Pivo

Them: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till text month

This is what I've been saying, tomato is only one reason that gumbos scream, that's not why my gumbo is screaming

Terrifying if literal, eye shadow

You know those people who tell you not to touch the hot plate at restaurants?
I need one of those for home

Why learn big words when you can productatiously contrivicate your own?

An edited meme overlaying the original. The original features a hamster on a couch, with text that reads "i can't fucking take it. seriously im at my limit." Edited on top is the cartoon hamster Hamtaro with text that reads "I can take whatever life throws at me. seriously it will be ok."

Miles pimped his ride wrong 🛞 #podcast #comedy #pimpmyride #importmodel @kailayu.bsky.social @milesofgray.bsky.social @jackob1.bsky.social

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

Using the Scooby Doo model, scientists were able to run all the way to the edge of the universe by being chased over an unchanging background until they finally saw through the illusion and just tore the mask off of everything we know

It’s bigotry to hate those inflatable flappy arm guys from outside car dealerships

But nobody hates them?

Fart so hard you turn inside out

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. His second greatest trick was just a bit of close-up magic but he dropped the cards and they went everywhere. It was really embarrassing. That's why he's in hell.

Drowsy at work? Dab a little Tabasco on your pee hole

Frozen dinner instructions that tell you to check the internal temperature of the meat with a thermometer are pretty funny.

Buddy, I'm eating a frozen dinner. I'm not even sure that's meat. Do you think I care what goes in my body?

With frenemies like these, who needs enefriends?

i'm fifty one years old and really trying to analyze the hardships i've faced over my life; whether they were a product of my environment, my own decisions, or random groups of people that i can point at and blame for everything and let me just say thank goodness for those random groups of people

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

Always makes me a little sad to get back in touch with an old friend who was just insanely mean and find out that they've mellowed out, found inner peace.

"Could the next Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman be an AI avatar?" I don't know, could a peanut butter sandwich somehow turn into the next Jeep Wrangler? Could a cellphone magically turn into a tiny bird and fly away with my wallet? Could a family of large opossums replace the government?

I will say if that whole military meeting had been an email it would have been a pretty weird email

October is here & there are rules. First off, corn mazes are fun but they’re no place for the living. Avoid. Secondly, don’t split up to go and investigate a weird noise, that’s what they want you to do. And lastly, if you see a guy running around with a pumpkin for a head, it's too late for you.

STEPHANOPOULOS: The Democratic proposal is designed to prevent millions of Americans from losing their health insurance, losing Medicaid coverage, or paying higher healthcare premiums. Why are you against that?

MIKE JOHNSON: That's an absurd statement

STEPHANOPOULOS: It's a factual statement

"One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we've been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We're no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It's simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we've been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back." - Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark

“One of the saddest lessons of history: If we've been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle…

It's simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we've been taken…

Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.”

- Carl Sagan

An old crt computer moniter that has just been degaussed making the screen look warped and line covered

I bet this felt so good if you were a monitor

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. How corrosive it is that public figures are--more and more shamelessly--ripping the copper wiring out of the walls. Integrity is for suckers. Abusing power is fun. Caring about anything bigger than yourself is lame. An elite class of evil toddlers

I really don't need any negativity on this part of my arson journey, your honor.

why did they call it a urinal when boylet is right there