Michael

👹Just saw an advertisement for a "sexy Chewbacca" costume. There's a lot of qualities I find attractive in a woman, but hairy and growling aren't on the list.

Although... 🤔

You ever been so sad, that wondering around and people watching at a backwoods Walmart after midnight, doesn't even cheer you up?

Ok, I was thinking about what I should dress up as for Halloween, and I've got an idea, but wanted to ask everybody first and see what's y'alls thoughts were.

🎃 So, yea or nay on sexy pumpkin? Good idea or am I just out of my gourd? Should I do it, or squash the idea? 🎃

Sexy Burger King then?

I wash my dishes with all natural cleaners!

....I throw them outside and let the possums and raccoons lick them clean.
🦝

Well it's almost that time of year!
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....where I constantly complain about the cold weather....
🥶

🦜She's covered in bird droppings!

🐦

🐦‍⬛ I wonder what my car did to scare the crap out of all those birds perched above it? 🕊️

You know you've had too much caffeine when you yell "MINE!" before the ball is even served!
☕ #Volleyball 🏐

If you want people to leave you alone, just wear a shirt that says "Property of County Psychiatric Ward".

Works for me.

I've been on Facebook for 14 years, and all I have to show for it is the shame....

When I get around my dad, my smartassness tends to flare up really bad.... 😄

Hot Gal: Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you help me move some furniture this weekend?
Me: *sly smile & raises eyebrows* Oh I'll help you move some furniture....you mean, like your bed and mattress!
Hot Gal: What? Ew! No! Gross! You know what? Never mind, I'll ask somebody else!

🌿🌱🌾 I can't see how tall the grass is in my neighbor's yard, because the grass in my yard is blocking my view. 🌾🌱🌿

Got home, put my key in the door, walked inside, set my bag on the floor, took a deep breath and said.....

"It smells like BROKE in here!"

#Inflation #PoorBoy 💸

Jeez! Since it's getting cooler, I guess they're trying to get inside. Around my place the stink bugs are everywhe...

*sniffs *

...oh, dude, really?

Got home, put my key in the door, walked inside, set my bag on the floor, took a deep breath and said.....

"It smells like BROKE in here!"

#Inflation #PoorBoy 💸

*After stopping by to pick up desert for everybody*

Me: I couldn't find any "almond bark and pumpkin spice cheesecake" donuts. I guess a bunch of White girls got there before I did.
🍩

"Haha, I'm still young" I say as I email the tournament director, asking if they would consider having a dinosaur division....
🦕

I hate to admit it, but the way things have been going, I thought the government *already* was shut down!
🇺🇲 #PoliticalPost 🦅 #Republican 🗳️ #Democrat

🪲 "HOLY CRAP! Ain't no way I'm going in there! Even I have standards, yo!"
~ What stinkbugs say when they see my place 🪲

🍂 One of my favorite fall activities, is complaining that summer is over. 🍁

🧈 ....no, I love *you*, pancakes and syrup! 🥞

At first I thought I had a mold problem in my place....

But then I realized that things have progressed a lot farther, to the point, that the mold has a human problem in *its* place....

What do you mean we're supposed to be rapturing? Nobody told me we were supposed to be rapturing last week!

If I would have known, I would've been making jokes like there was no tomorrow!

I was slowly, carefully, shaving my pubes, and being careful not to accidentally nick myself. Then all of a sudden, a stink bug COMES FLYING OUT OF NOWHERE AND SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME!
🩸
🩸
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So anyway, can someone pick me up from the ER?

Whenever I order a pizza, I tell 'em to cut it into just four slices, because there's no way I can eat eight!
🍕

My coworker went to go get lunch at 11:35am.

....two days ago!

He just got back to the office.

And I thought I was a slow eater!

I always look forward to pumpkin spice gas season!
🎃⛽

I was at the mall the other day walking around killing time, and these two little old ladies come walking out of the Victoria's Secret store with shopping bags and big smiles on their faces. 🧓🏼👵🏻

Well somebody's husbands are going to be having a heart attack this weekend....

I stubbed my pinky toe! 🤬
It's hard to believe that much pain can come from the smallest part of my bod....

....the second smallest part of my body.

🦟 Jeez the mosquitoes were bad this year! I wonder how many pints of blood I've lost this summer? 🩸🩸🩸