The Mom Hack

I thought using vacation days to take care of sick kids was the least restful way to use them. Then we went on a family vacation.

My 1yo has hand foot and mouth and my phone showed me a photo two years ago today of my now 3yo with hand foot and mouth so I joked that in two years we could have a third kid with hand foot and mouth and it was the first time I’ve seen sheer terror register in my husband’s eyes.

There is no one more energetic than a toddler five seconds after they recover from a virus.

Every time you hear another parent at the playground saying 'ok but this is the last one' a piece of your soul dies

“Sleep when the toddler sleeps” is the underrated sequel to “sleep when the baby sleeps”

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, "What I dooed?"

Ray-Bans: $150

Plumber to extract Ray-Bans from the depths of your toilet: $230

Wearing Ray-Bans that have been extracted from the depths of your toilet: priceless*

*$380

It should be acceptable to abruptly leave Zoom calls that are unproductive and complete wastes of your time.

Give kids something to do themselves to get out faster in the morning and take twice as long as a result.

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

I love how you can make a toddler’s day by gifting them with a grocery store receipt and telling them it’s theirs and they can keep it forever

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

My 6yo asked if he could buy a pet, but when we said that he had no money he just responded with “that’s okay, I’ve got credit!”

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

Say what you will about “help” from a toddler. At least they want to be helpful, which is more than can be said about most adults.

I noticed my husband seemed happy so I commented on it and now his happiness is ruined.

The Supreme Court ruled you should punch yourself square in the face

My 2yo got upset because he wanted a donut but after he ate it he realized he didn't have a donut anymore and I think we can all empathize with that

My son told me last night that he didn’t want lobster because he didn’t think eating animals was very nice.

“I’ll just have chicken instead.”

People: *exists*

Republicans: no, not like that

her: are you even listening to me?

me: what an odd conversation starter

Hope you all feel better soon!

It’s the start of a long weekend! My wife is sick, my kids are sick and I’m sick. It’s gonna be a looooong weekend.

My new 5 yr plan is to have one kid with a dry nose

Various pictures of Leslie Knope eating waffles in different contexts

Them: You've been quiet, what's on your mind?

Me:

If you want to know what it’s like to be a toddler mom, imagine having roommates who cry every time you go to the bathroom unless you let them join you.