@pessimusprime.bsky.social
I invented the internet See mah tweets https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:7nvnng43seboe73s5khzmkfw/feed/aaaloenm2yxgs
I'm *puts the phone to my ear* old
02.10.2025 08:37 — 👍 14 🔁 2 💬 1 📌 0I remember seeing or hearing a talk once where the bloke or woman said how paying attention was important (or something like that). Changed my life.
02.10.2025 07:30 — 👍 22 🔁 5 💬 0 📌 0Unless n>1. RIP werelands
27.09.2025 18:43 — 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0Can't believe you don't wear shoes at work
25.09.2025 21:59 — 👍 7 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Was down at the aquarium, yeah, and this guy knighted a long fish. Sir eel
25.09.2025 21:22 — 👍 15 🔁 4 💬 0 📌 0Reviews of Wonka's factory
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆
"Fun tour, loved the Oompa Loompas"
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
"DELICIOUS! Chocolate river - WHAT?! Mind blown"
⭐☆☆☆☆
"Turned me into a fucking blueberry"
Yes I know them, we went to Twitter together.
21.09.2023 13:27 — 👍 6268 🔁 2176 💬 20 📌 57is it a bird is it a plane is it the loss of my ability to recognize everyday objects
25.09.2025 01:02 — 👍 90 🔁 38 💬 0 📌 1Sounds like my first date:
Starbucks -> bra's stuck -> sack burst
Never forget
24.09.2025 10:05 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Your friendly reminder that Starbucks is an anagram of bra's stuck
24.09.2025 09:47 — 👍 27 🔁 8 💬 3 📌 0I pronounce baguette with a soft g because I went to France once
24.09.2025 09:08 — 👍 9 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0A beautiful woman keeps calling and saying, “This is an attempt to collect a debt.” I hear you. A debt of love
17.09.2025 22:58 — 👍 175 🔁 43 💬 4 📌 0UK productivity up 25%- Analysts put it down to huge reductions in screen time and a 100,000x increase in the sales of "printed material of an adult nature"
19.09.2025 11:13 — 👍 7 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 0Every Nigel is an asshole and also British.
01.09.2025 03:17 — 👍 28 🔁 6 💬 6 📌 1Sea level rise is inescapable. If people weren't prepared to listen to Busted's prophecy (and absolute bop) Year 3000, they're not gonna listen to Extinction Rebellion or Greta Thunberg
18.09.2025 19:00 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Unpopular opinion, but I feel sorry for Nigel Farage. I mean, imagine waking up every single morning and remembering that you're Nigel Farage
18.09.2025 18:57 — 👍 12 🔁 2 💬 1 📌 0There is a cure for buffetphobia, but first you’ve got to want to help yourself.
18.09.2025 08:43 — 👍 295 🔁 60 💬 6 📌 3You are in a room. There are clowns to the left of you. There are jokers to the right.
> Move forward.
You cannot move forward. You are stuck in the middle of the room.
Went for 2 runs this week and I'm still fat. This shit is bullshit shit
16.09.2025 12:29 — 👍 16 🔁 5 💬 0 📌 0Can't blame them, what with all the inform ants
15.09.2025 12:44 — 👍 16 🔁 3 💬 1 📌 0Tried to get one of those wraps that they put on cars but the man said they can't put it on a person. Seems illegal
12.09.2025 13:49 — 👍 6 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0I am willing to take your word on this
11.09.2025 21:26 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0I am not an expert in anatomy
11.09.2025 21:22 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0It is said that it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert in any given field. At the age of 42 I am, without doubt, an expert supermarket shopper
11.09.2025 20:35 — 👍 11 🔁 3 💬 3 📌 0My lawyers have advised that I don't answer this
10.09.2025 18:47 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0The 1975 is music for people who don't like music
10.09.2025 17:06 — 👍 5 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0They're my people
09.09.2025 19:44 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Whale teens be like Netflix n krill?
09.09.2025 19:25 — 👍 9 🔁 2 💬 1 📌 1Ice Cube: You can do it, put your ass into it
Me: I'm over 40, put my back out doin it
