Late to the party Laura

A woman on a train wraps a book about birds in some bird-patterned wrapping paper. She opens a bird-themed card and writes a message.
Her husband: Well Irene, let’s hope they like birds.

If at first you don’t succeed, eat something instead.

Taken my make up off to practise scaring the kids.

Good old Rick and his dance moves.

I'm not the same person I was a week ago when I decided to drastically reduce the amount of sugar I consume.

Sees a model in a sales catalogue promoting new underwear range, whilst lounging on a nice sofa. It has the headline “The ultimate in comfort.“ Just what I want I thought, immediately checking to see where the comfy sofa is from.

Blue sky with a single, small fluffy cloud. Zoom in to find the plane.

Blue sky.

I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb.

Chaka Khan’s 𝘐 𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘠𝘰𝘶 is my favorite song about trying to find someone in a dark room.

I agree. My 12yr can’t see it either. Even her name annoys me.

Happy 30th wedding anniversary to my aunt and uncle, pictured here with their still-at-home son Howard.

"Ed Sheeran" sounds like a drunk person trying to remember the name "Edward Scissorhands"

The cat miaowed directly after I sneezed. Obviously saying bless you.

Does it count if you are touching grass with one hand and scrolling with the other.

It’s so annoying when the other person on a call has a cold as well as you. Firstly, no sympathy, and, secondly, you have to spend at least the first 5 minutes out-colding each other.

Man on the DLR: Are you
prepared for today’s meeting?
Woman: No.
Man: It’s at 9am.
Woman: I know it’s at 9am, Dave.
And I remain, unprepared.

Nothing angers people more than someone posting off-topic in a Facebook group.

No Brian, you can’t make a comment about your mother-in-law’s special technique when using the washing machine. This is a gardening group.

Ladies and Gentlemen
For the first time this year... October!

Thanks for having more problems than me. I feel better already.

Feels like a bring a pillow into the office kind of day.

Had a Teams call the other day.

Person 1: Had a beautifully framed picture and perfectly positioned plant behind her.

Person 2: Had a stylish wall lamp with a feature wall of statement wallpaper behind her.

Me: The fridge.

Getting ready for bed makes little sense. You’ve got to wake yourself up to go to sleep.

My mum also.

Them (younger generation): what did you use when there was no Internet, Google, or ChatGPT?...

Me: brain!

I Survived a Smartphone Update In Which The Fonts and Layout Were Slightly Changed

“You’re weird” is a compliment.

Good point. Never are you more surrounded by like/silly minded people!

That would be telling.

I said hello to a man’s very friendly dog with my best silly dog voice and it occurred to me that the man might think that I speak like that normally.

I can achieve anything I set my mind to unless it’s slightly inconvenient.