Jack Boot

She's so real! And a Nazi, but that's beside the point.

It's heart warming when two heartless Nazis find each other in this cold cruel world.

Stephen Miller's wife, Katie Miller has a podcast. She's a hip chick who just wants to rap with other conservative women about everything other than ICE or Gaza. Oh look, comments have been turned off. I wonder why.

I like. I'm on board.

I’m in for Squash Spice. Kinda like Posh Spice only all my clothing will be made out of butternut squash. Trust me; we’ll sell out all the venues this way as long as we tell concert-goers to bring their own forks.

How powerful even are garbage disposals? Like, could they chew through bones? Asking for someone I definitely didn't see on the night in question

I’m going to the beach today, so if you see news stories of a large unidentified blob-like creature lolling in the southern surf of Massachusetts, please disregard.

Can anyone live in the sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

I'm starting a Spice Girls cover band. I need four other women. Maybe five.

the besst thing abot drinkinge eight espressssos in a row is the sspeed at whicchj I cam type my posets now

I like the way the headphones around my neck tell you that I might start listening to music at any moment, you just don't know with a guy like me.

why’d they name the blenders “ninjas” those fuckers loud as shit

i ain't reading all that
i'm definitely not happy for u tho
or at all sorry that happened

Every once in a while, you see a squirrel having an existential crisis. He isn't scurrying around, running up a tree or digging in the ground. He's just standing there, staring into space. "I don't want to be a squirrel anymore."

Brevity is the soul of wit.
Verbosity is the soul of nitwits.
This is me apologizing.

I'm just a sandwich artist, but your painting's use of sfumato and ambiguity is simply divine. Now, let's get back to your tuna on flat bread.

My whole life has come down to this: please like and reskeet

When you've been up all night remixing formats into some hilarious new familiar grooves, well shit. Just keep on nodding away in daydreams like two waka waka wooooolves agreeing with each other

But alas, here we are. :(

Given the geography AND geometry of our world, you could count Kauai as your furthest east and Venice as your furthest west and get those numbers up.

Today in therapy my doctor talked about his recent trip to the Dead Sea and how tourists steal mud, it had no relation to what I was talking about but things have been going really well for me and he seemed like he needed to process his feelings about it

If you say itch when you mean scratch I won't correct you but my esteem for you will be irrevocably diminished.

I pee directly over the drain in the shower, like a lady.

Family out for a walk, wife inadvertently tosses the remains of her rum, coke, and ice into youngest sons face and asks, did that work for you?

Quoting George Orwell is cool and all as long as you don't forget Big Brother was originally referred to as Let's Hear It For The Boy

I pushed all my chips in on Gil Gerard. Anyway, I need someone to give me a ride.

Peanut M&Ms are healthier than plain M&Ms because they have vegetables in 'em or something

In an ironic turn of events this spraycan of WD-40 has rusted shut

[alien with coke bottle glasses]

TAKE ME TO YOUR OPTOMETRIST

I'm on it! Starting a GoFundMe for the Supersonic Pope Memorial Window.