Jack Boot

I just quit a book three pages in when I reached a second misspelling because I expect books to be smarter than me goddammit

I moved an icon on my phone so if you don't hear from me for a bit it's cause I just need some time

I just watched a squirrel stretching in a tree. It was cute. Like he was oblivious to the impending collapse of the free world. Stupid squirrel.

I'm watching the guy across the road using a leaf blower to blow his leaves into his neighbour's yard and friends, never stop learning

When I finally get paid for this job, I’m gonna get a haircut, maybe a sweet Henry V fade – have my troops rain arrows down upon mine enemies, dabble in some dysentery, etc

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

Now see here, Dreyfuss--you're welcome to stay for supper but there’ll be none of your mashed potato malarkey this time

Hey man I started a LETS GO RED SOX chant in the stall next to you did you hear it?

Soon all the cranberry bogs will be harvested and the world will once again share in our bounty of bitter, bitter fruit

So true.

If you're performing standup for ghosts and the audience starts shouting, "Boo! Boooo!" don't panic. You're killing.

Ants have an exoskeleton. So an ant skeleton just looks like an ant. This takes half the fun out of Ant Halloween.

Spent all day going from Halloween store to Halloween store. No one makes a plastic scimitar a man can fucking rely on.

I love that happiness is so elusive, but you can find disappointment absolutely anywhere.

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do to gain refugee status in Canada.

Gotta go turn on the driveway light so the spider has some dinner

Destruction has entered the chat.

Printed paper sign stuck on a wooden door: "Dark Room Keep Door Closed! [underscored] If it is left open All the dark matter Leaks out!"

Owing to budget cuts, the philosophy, photography, and physics departments had had to merge

Meme with an old photo of the British/American rock band and the words: "Bloody Foreigner Coming over here demanding to know what love is"

Suggestion for our overlords:
suspend romance scambots instead of real users. Remember, if it doesn't have a beating heart to still, it's not murder. It's not even necrophilia.

Anytime I hear “gen z”, “millennial”, “boomer”, or whatever I tune out. It’s as meaningful as zodiac signs.

My podcast is me farting in a crowded elevator.

The next life, I'm coming back as a dog or cat. Even shitty people treat them well enough.

I'm only clever now if I have a minute and internet access.

This is not an inspirational account. Punch someone if you need to

Using the Scooby Doo model, scientists were able to run all the way to the edge of the universe by being chased over an unchanging background until they finally saw through the illusion and just tore the mask off of everything we know

When the reply is better than the post.

I loved watching the Pipes. I guess it was all whistling past the graveyard. None of the screens I watched then are around now. Pipes, bubbles, snakes - ultimately nothing could save those screens.

a computer generated image of a maze of pipes with a black background ALT: a computer generated image of a maze of pipes with a black background

Kids watch crap. The old shows were better. Who remembers Pipes Screensaver?

A week later, and I'm just now noticing I left out the word "been". I should just give it up.