Jack Boot

Brazilian jiu-jitsu? Well, it's like regular jiu-jitsu but you try to rip all the hair off of your opponent's body.

Venus is the idiot in your group who tries to get into the canoe by stepping on the gunnel like she's boarding the Queen Mary and tips everyone's shit over.

Venus is the idiot in your group who tries to get into the canoe by stepping on the gunnel like she's boarding the Queen Mary and tips everyone's shit over.

"Everything's interconnected, man."

-me, high at Legoland

your beaver is eager? my beaver’s a bush leaguer we are not the same

i have never in my life aspired to an honorific higher than “this mf’er”

I will whisk you off your feet, but keep in mind that I will be using an actual whisk.

My mother thinks young ppl talk too fast to understand these days and she blames "instant information technology," she told me via telegraph.

An owl woke me early this morning. I stood and looked out the window and just caught its silhouette flying. I realize there’s something deeply mystical and perhaps prophetic about this, but I’m still going to tweet about bearded clams today

If I knew anything about water coolers do you really think I'd be hanging around the bird bath asking how to splash for myself when they talk dirty about me at work

Mitch Hedberg -

Friend: This is a picture of me when I was younger.

Mitch: Every picture of you is a picture of you when you were younger.

Exactly. Ever so gently. Slow and steady.

It's hard to believe but if you wear a top hat to work every day, eventually, your coworkers won't even notice it. Now the monocle.

The country owes a dept of gratitude to the citizens and martyrs of Minneapolis for their nonstop resistance. If ICE never invades your city it may be because of how costly Minneapolis has been for them.

If you're nervous speaking in front of a group a good trick is to imagine your audience in their underwear. Don't do this if you teach the third grade.

You're wrong. This isn't like Idiocracy. A President Camacho would be a vast improvement.

I think the last one of these shows I watched with any regularity was when I was a kid in the 70s. Chad Everett... Medical Center!

I'm trying to like HBO's The Pitt. I just can never get into medical dramas. There is a sameness to all of them. It's too easy to write drama in a medical setting and it's very formulaic. These shows are interchangeable.

The sound of the vacuum cleaner discovering an errant Christmas ornament hook. Ah, Christmas in July.

She said I have a sixth grade education, which I couldn't deny. But I also have a seventh grade education, an eighth grade education and it keeps going all the way up through my professional degree. What's with the sixth grade?

Remember summer parties? Remember waking up in the backyard covered in ants with a mouthfull of grass and using a broken lawn chair as a blanket? Remember looking for the wife and kids and only finding a note? Those golden summer times.

- So tell us about your hobbies.

- Uhh... I don't have any. Is that an option?

- Just say you like hiking.

- I like to hike.

Nuremberg II. Looking forward to the sequel.

The worst Americans are murdering the best Americans.

This administration gaslights more than 19th century London

Unbelievable.

When Renee Good was murdered by ICE officer Jonathan Ross, there was no genuine internal investigation or refocusing of their mission inside ICE or DHS to prevent this from happening again. This signaled to ICE agents in the field that they should keep doing exactly what they were doing. Now this.

If all the lies the government is telling about Pretti were true the ICE agents would still have been acting criminally.

The worst Americans are murdering the best Americans.