Badmouth

Ocean bioscientologists:
“Don’t worry about sharks! Those living embodiments of the hell & wrath the ocean is capable of only ever bite you because they were confused & thought you looked like a seal! Don’t worry about it.”

Sharks:
“I eat once every three months. Everything is a fucking seal.”

I get blinded by rage every time someone tries to paint farmers as salt of the earth toilers.

That’s like asking me to think Ticketmaster is part of the band.

Implement a 100% tariff and ruin a movie

Fou14een

I’ve never had a chance to use her in a deck. I just think she’s badass & love the art/flavor text.

Girl, same.

listen up fellas

Jeez Louise!
10k years before the dune movie.

So I guess at least we don’t got to worry about the worms.

Ok, so they’re space nun witches.

I’m not usually one for super hero movies,
But The Batman with Robert Pattinson is really good so far.

Unfortunately it’s 3hrs long.
So I won’t finish if for another week or so.

Anyone excited about AI has never had to call CVS to just to ask how late the pharmacy is open.

Fuck you, #CVS
May you continue to be the first chain to burn in every riot.

The BEST Bread Pudding Recipe - Old Fashioned Recipe This bread pudding recipe is so easy, traditional, and is the custard dessert recipe we all love! Plus, an optional vanilla sauce to drizzle on top!

Love muffin tops but don’t know what to do with muffin stubs?

The solution is bread pudding.

You’re welcome.

fantabulosity.com/last-minute-...

BECAUSE it’s just a giant sea-bug!

Coconut is the best La Croix!

Vampire movies only work because they imagine a world where no-one knows what a vampire is!

American cheese may not actually be cheese but it’s still in the top ten best cheeses!

Pineapple not only belongs on pizza, but goes great in chili too!

Lobster tastes better

🎵 Raw I'mma give it to ya, with no trivia/Raw like cocaine straight from Bolivia 🎵

Movie you’ve watched more than six times using gifs.

(“Hard mode” no Star Wars, Star Trek, or LOTR)

California Screamin’

the main concern is that with my genetic data the government can make a tiny clone of me that they can torture to get even more of my data

Website For MAGA-Friendly Businesses Backfires As People Use It For Boycotts Social media posts about PublicSquare have gone viral as Trump critics use it to find companies not to support – the opposite of what the site was set up for.

NEW: PublicSquare, a website that lets you search for businesses in your community that explicitly want you to know they endorse Trump/MAGA values, is backfiring as people use it to boycott those businesses. www.huffpost.com/entry/public...

The hardest part about making a good call back is figuring out how to be funny in the first place.

I CANT STAND MALE PATTERN SADNESS

Watch me procrastinate on OnlyPlans.

Kinda insane and shows how afraid the networks are of upsetting this administration that a guy who killed 7 people and wounded 48 with “47” literally tattooed on his face has all but been forgotten like there’s still not a very serious threat emanating from every pore of this pathetic cult

It’s the racism

Jesus…

Golden Years always gets me.

i wake up. my smart coffee maker tells me that it's going to rain today and suggests an americano. i get out my Smart Creamer and ask the coffee maker to get brewing. i open my smart paper to see that stocks in Smart Toilets are falling. my tongue idly grazes the smart cyanide capsule on my tooth-

a group of people are sitting in front of a statue of a man sitting on a throne . ALT: a group of people are sitting in front of a statue of a man sitting on a throne .

How I feel I should be treated if I empty the dishwasher without being asked...

a man in a purple shirt is talking into a microphone while another man stands behind him ALT: a man in a purple shirt is talking into a microphone while another man stands behind him

And then realizing you are the best person to answer the door when the cops knock after the noise complaint.