Ol’ Illiterate Whale Shark

🎵 in the car I just can’t wait to diarrhea on our very first date

My penis is long my attention span is short

My IQ? I don’t have one, I had it surgically removed so I didn’t have to worry about it. Do you want to drink 17 beers and fuck like rabid animals?

*extremely graphic slurping sounds*

Suplex anyone you don’t like through a table. Your body isn’t getting any younger, be violent while you still can.

Trying to escape through the chimney but getting stuck cause of my boner :(

You ever be fucking but like, silly style?

They’re calling Pepsi “Dr. Pepsi” now. Have you heard about this? They’re saying Pepsi went to medical school so it can remove your appendix if it wants to.

Like hockey, but better

The sports people are telling me brisketball can’t be a sport. They’re telling me no one wants to hit a big juicy roast with a bat into a net.

When life gives you lemons, now you have lemons. Wow. Sour yellow balls.

In America you have hand foot and mouth disease. In Germany they have Hans foot and mouth disease which can only be transmitted from Hans to Hans.

Now that’s the move. I bet he enjoyed the hell out of that flight

That’s how you find new friends

There was a horse at the bar the other night and when I asked the bartender about it he said I shouldn’t talk to the horse cause it’s full of shit. Apparently it tells everyone it’s descended from the Trojan horse.

🎵 she’s a bad girl, loves osama, bin laden and the hezbollah too

They’re saying I’m going to the steakhouse, eating 5 porterhouse steaks, drinking 13 beers, and fighting an off duty cop

They kicked me out of planet fitness after the lunk alarm sounded in the locker room when I took my pants off. They’re saying I can’t have all of this meat in the locker room.

I met Robert Redford 7 years ago and before we parted ways he looked me in the eyes and said “kid, you’ve got the right mix of fat cock and charm that will take you places.” RIP to a legend, I’ll carry your legacy forward 🫡

Pornography? Never heard of it. Is it anything like geography? Perhaps an atlas of sucking and fucking?

I did and it flipped me off

You’re taking zinc supplements for your semen? Brother, I am snorting tungsten powder. My cock cream is bullets.

Windows has stopped working? Brother, I can see out them just fine.

If you had this much hawg you’d spend all day cranking it too

I was just dust in the wind

I have moved back to the east coast, so life is better now. Kansas was too cold for me.

What up Dave Cactus? How is life over here?

You guys still doing this bsky thing?

I paid Slenderman $5 to stop by your house and stick his long ass fingers in your mouth, happy birthday

Oh shit, that’s where I left my penis. Thanks for keeping an eye on it, yall are the best