Evan J’Daté Kessler

Photo of a Spirit Halloween store exterior

Let’s turn this White House into a…

My apologies to my fellow No Kings protestors for turning the event into a celebration of "Short Kings" such as myself. I can't help but be celebrated everywhere I go.

Everyone is talking about Ohtani’s performance tonight as one of the greatest of all-time, but he walked 3 batters.

I’m not a Dodger fan but I can appreciate the greatest player of all-time.

*David Letterman hosting the Oscars voice

“Mamdani. Ohtani. Ohtani. Mamdani.”

Amazing to be alive at the same time as Shohei Ohtani.

Just found $20 in the pocket of a pair of pants I haven’t worn in a while. THE ECONOMY IS STRONG!!!

If hotel rooms are going to have the Bible and the Book of Mormon in the a drawer, why not just have a religious library corner and throw in the Torah, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, and Dianetics?

The Holy Bible AND The Book OF Mormon in a hotel room drawer.

Hey hotels, since when?!

Amazing how when I’m hanging out with old friends, I barely want to look at social media. It’s almost as though meaningful human interaction is one of the keys to happiness.

I typed this when my friend went to the bathroom.

A onesie with a crudely drawn image of a dinosaur on it that reads “ my uncle thinks dinosaurs looked like this!” There are yellow arrows pointing at the dinosaurs.

A onesie that reads, “Been There, Done That! *Actually, probably haven’t at this point.”

Onesies 2 and 3 have dropped, but 2 is the real standout.

A baby onesie with “My Uncle Made Me This Onesie To Find Out Just How Many Words He Could Fit Onto A Baby” written on it.

The back of the same onesie with “sure it’s a little bit of a vanity project if you ask me, but I’ll always be on the side of encouraging creativity!!! Okay. Good talk. Time to nap or eat. Can’t do much else” written on it.

Decorated a onesie for my nephew.

Tanner is a good name for a white person who tries to convince you they’re not white.

FanTASTIC news let’s get this done

Not to make anyone paranoid, but what if all your friends are spies?

When people wear gym clothes on stage at an open mic, they’re not wrong.

At Mexican restaurants, it’s Guac-toberfest!

My nephew was born this past weekend and since I know the birthdate and birth time, I should probably get them a copy of their astrological chart, so they grow up knowing it and don't have to track down their birth certificate in their 20s when a cool witch takes a romantic interest in them.

Love guacamole, hate saying “guac.”

Gonna need Huey Lewis & The News to release a cover of “It’s The End of The World As We Know It,” so I can at least enjoy something during this gradual apocalypse.

Feels like it's been so long since the Heptapods came down to Earth and showed humanity the importance of communication and working together.

I wish we'd had YouTube when I was a kid. After my dad passed, I would've started a reaction channel called something like "Grieving Teen Reacts" and gotten, like, 70K subscribers.

Probably would have been cyber-bullied relentlessly though.

If you have a fantasy hockey team, you have to call it "Too Many Tkachuks."

Has anyone ever dialed the number 012-345-6789? Who picks up?

We should sleep in shifts.

Idea: A well-regulated militia of weed dispensary security guards to take on ICE.

The problem is, once he's out of office again everyone's gonna be like "well, I'm glad that's over," instead of "WE NEED TO CHANGE EVERYTHING!!!"

Just officially became an uncle for the first time! Gonna celebrate by heating up some rice in the microwave!

As long as a country has a Chili's, it is ok to ignore human rights abuses by a brutal regime. It's why I never complain about the United States. There are so many Chili'ses here.

Wait, what's the plural of Chili's?

I want to be a “rest my arm on the open window while sitting in traffic” kind of driver, but I just don’t think that’s who I am.