I've never been bungee jumping but I have taken my life in my own hands navigating through a Trader Joe's parking lot

just twisted my back yawning then choked on my own saliva then tripped on my own foot then bumped into a wall (who put that there?) who wants to marry me

Relationship status: staring wistfully at store mannequins dressed in yoga pants for just a few seconds longer than is decent in polite society.

imagine being a police sketch artist in like 1950 and ur hand starts cramping up cause the asshole detective just keeps shouting “enhance” at u

The ending hand holding scene from fight club where they are in silhouette looking at the window of the skyscraper watching the other skyscrapers blow up

This could be us:

"I'll die on this hill."

"There's no hill around here."

"I'll die on this gazebo."

I had a truly terrible day but out of respect for the people who are living a nightmare in my own country, I will get over it and just silently hope for someone to chip in Etsy witch money

a hand holds a lighter to a cigarette in the beak of a raven (crow)

“Thanks, man. Where was I? Oh yeah, so it was December, and I just wanted to get out of the cold. I knocked on some random guy's door. I’m tellin’ ya, dude was out of his friggin' mind! He kept asking me a bunch of super weird questions and whining about some chick named Lenore."

Being called “tense” means I’m edgy, right?

Stop bleeding for people who never knew you were injured.

[my funeral]
Priest: Grant was a father & a husband
Guy In Back: WHAT
Priest: He was a father & a husband
Guy In Back: LOUDER
Priest: HE WAS A FATHER & A HUSBAND
Guy: WHO FARTED ON DONNY OSMOND?

*discovery of potatoes*
1st person: What should we do with these?
2nd person: *clenches fist* EVERYTHING.

[at stoplight]

*gets out of car, knocks on driver's window behind me after following me for 3 turns*

Me: Are you obsessed with me?

i never stopped raising the roof. but i’m ngl, it is starting to get pretty heavy

My cat got into the booth with me while I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

The assistant to Dr. Frankenstein didn't fully understand mentally or morally what they were up to in making the monster. But sometimes Igor-ance is bliss.

I’ve quit telling people that I disagree with them. Instead, I now say, “I’m gonna have to agree with myself on this one.” It’s self-positive, non-confrontational, and just weird enough to end the conversation.

*puts phone on charger*

drink your juice Shelby

Emily Blunt: fuck me

Emily Subtle: come up for coffee

My favorite part of aging is discovering which new food will betray me each week.

Photo taken through a doorway into a room with two beds, one of which is occupied by a standing sheep.

This is absolutely the last time I call an escort service and say “I’m not picky.”

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This day in history. 1961. Comedian Chico Marx died. His will was ruled invalid due to a missing provision, but he had kept insisting "You can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause."

[first day as a server]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no just regular arms

Congressman Al Green on X: "Today, the House GOP censured me for speaking out for the American people against @POTUS’s plan to cut Medicaid. I accept the consequences of my actions, but I refuse to stay silent in the face of injustice. #WeShallOvercome https://t.co/sVklRmPCJl" / X Today, the House GOP censured me for speaking out for the American people against @POTUS’s plan to cut Medicaid. I accept the consequences of my actions, but I refuse to stay silent in the face of injustice. #WeShallOvercome https://t.co/sVklRmPCJl

Today, the House GOP censured me for speaking out for the American people against @POTUS’s plan to cut Medicaid. I accept the consequences of my actions, but I refuse to stay silent in the face of injustice. #WeShallOvercome x.com/repalgreen/s...

One more mental illness and I get a free meatball sub!

I was going to wash the sheets but the cat is on our bed. I guess I'll try again next month.

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

being married is just telling your spouse the same thing over again but with increased rage every time you repeat it