Obviously everyone

My dog stares out the window like he's recreating a Joe Biden meme.

Here I hide, trying to nurse inspiration from trauma.

me: how much chowder do you think that hot tub holds?

realtor:

*scrolls headlines

all that lead paint really fucked us up

My scat singing is writing checks my falsetto can’t cash

Is it really only Wednesday?

I’m drinking like it’s Thursday.

They say to dress for the job you want, but I'm not allowed to wear pajamas to work

[alien with coke bottle glasses]

TAKE ME TO YOUR OPTOMETRIST

They said do what you love, so I went back to sleep.

Who called it grand theft auto for christians… and not Jesus take the wheel?

Are those your midlife crisis underwear?

I would never judge another woman just for being a skanky ho

fuck around and get a presidential pardon

Life goes on, and therein lies the problem.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air but most of the time I feel like throwing grenades.

He may be immoral ….
but he’s not immortal.

Eventually his reign of error
will come to an end.

I’ll see your bible and raise you a couple of fairy tales.

Eating Angel Hair pasta is about the most religious I get

A threesome with identical siblings is called twincest.

Idk, I’m just a girl who wants someone to recreate the beach and waterfall scene from Cocktail with me.

People in the gym look like they don't want to be there

Oh wait, that's my reflection in a mirror

🔥

😂😂❤️

me: (pointing to the thermostat) would you mind making it a little colder in here

her: your brother is a better kisser than you are

Pregaming for Christopher Cross

Someone tase the groom.

I’ve had to adjust my first quarter forecast to include more crying on my lunch break.

My yard is "infested" with lightning bugs and I'm immensely happy about that.

I used to work as a proofreader.

They fried me four no raeson.