Obviously everyone

😂😂❤️❤️

The typewriter, the video rental store and the United States Congress

😂❤️

I feel like no one gets their jollies anymore and that's just sad this time of year.

One more time but with less feeling.

I imagine the last day of this administration is going to feel like finally getting out of a horrible timeshare.

I'm like, "It's weird, I'm actually not worried about tomorrow," and then Anxiety is like, "yeah, that's because you're going to die, but you're ALSO stupid"

I cordially invite you to an evening of suck.

Some days I feel like I could talk forever and some days I don’t want to talk at all.

I see you just posted something inspirational.

First time on the internet?

Allow me to overthink that for you

get in loser, we’re ignoring pumpkin-spice princess season

When they say: "just be yourself" - I am lost, which version of me I should be.

Be careful about what you convince yourself to believe.

My dog stares out the window like he's recreating a Joe Biden meme.

Here I hide, trying to nurse inspiration from trauma.

me: how much chowder do you think that hot tub holds?

realtor:

*scrolls headlines

all that lead paint really fucked us up

My scat singing is writing checks my falsetto can’t cash

Is it really only Wednesday?

I’m drinking like it’s Thursday.

They say to dress for the job you want, but I'm not allowed to wear pajamas to work

[alien with coke bottle glasses]

TAKE ME TO YOUR OPTOMETRIST

They said do what you love, so I went back to sleep.

Who called it grand theft auto for christians… and not Jesus take the wheel?

Are those your midlife crisis underwear?

I would never judge another woman just for being a skanky ho

fuck around and get a presidential pardon

Life goes on, and therein lies the problem.