Rick Aaron

Great news: The US Bureau of Labor Statistics just announced 0% unemployment with 10,000% average wage growth & 200,000,000 new jobs added so far in August.

“Stop me if you’ve herd this one.”

- shepherd dad humor

Kansas’ 𝘗𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵 𝘖𝘧 𝘕𝘰 𝘙𝘦𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯 is my favorite song about trying to fall back to sleep but giving up when you realize your alarm will go off soon.

*returns from the dead*

*looks around*

*jumps off the nearest bridge*

A furry elephant standing in water faces the camera.

i wish i had the self-confidence of old men at public beaches

Collage of my child looking through binoculars, looking over his glasses with more glasses on his head

Me, trying to see the good in people

If you get bumped up to business class you're expected to show your appreciation by stealing the metal cutlery

An interior view of a shoe store or department featuring a sign that reads "DON'T Enter Mirror" on a mirror covering a wall.

no one ever comes back

Black and white grid of 16 photos of 70s male hairstyles.

i don't know why women even bothered putting on underwear in the 70s

When I was younger I used to be satisfied with a glass of cheap, trashy, unsophisticated wine but now I’m all grown up I need at least 2 full bottles.

Pronouns: Now It's Personal

A cat completely tangled up in tape from a cassette.

♫ psycho killer, cat cassette ♫

A sign for “Jesse’s Grill.”

♫ and she’s watching him with those fries

Disgruntled looking but adorable dog on a couch

When I get messages from work on Saturday

Seahorse ➡️ Sawhorse

SON: dad what’s the difference between present tense and past tense?

ME:

Fired my accountant because I didn’t like last month’s balance sheet.

The windows in the White House’s new ballroom will be covered by statutory drapes

I noticed you didn’t RSVP to my dog’s baby shower.

Three bananas individually wrapped in plastic on a metal wire shelf.

brought to you by the same species that landed on the moon

The Pittsburgh Pirates have fired the Coors Field scoreboard operator.

“Fossil Fuel” is the name of my new catering service for nursing homes.

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

I talk pretty tough for someone who named all the squirrels in the park after characters in Broadway musicals.

The way some folk react when I mention my hobbies you’d think collecting toenail clippings was a more niche hobby than it is.

Two Huskies sit staring out two windows. The blinds are open on one, closed on the other.

no one ever likes to admit that one of their kids might be smarter than the other

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

If you think my posts are strange you should hear the squirrel's side of the conversation.

my sister accused me of stealing clothes and i nearly shit her pants

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Peanut M&Ms are healthier than plain M&Ms because they have vegetables in 'em or something