Rick Aaron

Bob Dylan's Blonde on Blonde is my favorite classic rock album that I can't Google at work.

I asked the best way to cook brussel sprouts and I’m getting roasted in the comments

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

A model walking on a runway, wearing a ball gown that creates the illusion of her body being separated into two parts with a gap in between.

magician: *sweating* hold on i can fix this

Who let the inspirational posters in?

Jazz up your posts by using words.

A halved onion appears to have a smiling face with closed eyes at its center.

i too cry when cutting up an onion but it’s with the happiness of knowing i’m releasing the joyful soul trapped within

Why learn big words when you can productatiously contrivicate your own?

them: protect your family’s financial future

me: *gently places Splenda packets and Kohl’s coupons in safe deposit box*

Smiling chihuahua with black and tan shepherd coloring, bug eyes and missing front tooth.

this is what you get when you soak a german shepherd in mountain dew

Literally everyone misuses the word literally.

"I wish I had your polemical acumen."

"Get your own action figures."

A fuzzy white kitten rests its front paws on an arm holding a pen hovering over a list.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

Chaka Khan’s 𝘐 𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘠𝘰𝘶 is my favorite song about trying to find someone in a dark room.

Five raccoons sit on corner bench seating around a table.

one of us either needs to take grandma to the optometrist or tell her no more cats

I'm watching the guy across the road using a leaf blower to blow his leaves into his neighbour's yard and friends, never stop learning

A woven, colorful fringed rug lies on a sidewalk.

genies think they can just park anywhere they goddamn want to

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.

A sign attached to a window reads "PLEASE DO NOT PLAY WITH THE BLINDS" with a swimming pool in the background.

what's worse is that they don't even know they're being excluded

I feel your pain no that's mine.

A cheetah behind the shoulder of a prone wildlife photographer.

"Pssst."
"Shhh!"
"Whatcha doing?"
"Waiting."
"For what?"
"A cheetah."
"I hear those are beautiful."
"They sure are, fast too, now hush."
"Can I wait with you?"
"Only if you're quiet."

Sign reads “Large Print Audio Books” over book store shelf. Inset picture of Garrett Morris from Saturday Night Live cupping his hands and appearing to yell.

A reptile in a chef’s hat appears to prep food at a kitchen counter.

“Spring rolls are up! Tell Darlene to move her ass.”

I've reached the age where adventures cease rollicking

Yes I'm still watching, Netflix, and it's not like you don't have things to be ashamed of.

A kid lies on his back in the aisle of a Costco, pressing a toilet plunger to their face.

“Children are the world's most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

- John F. Kennedy

Paralysed with fear, my shame apparent, I gaze in horror as my wife discovers my secret stash of Barry Manilow DVDs.

The Federal Government is shut down. Tens of thousands are about to be fired. Hundreds of thousands are not getting paid. Health insurance costs about to explode.

President Trump: “More cowbell!”

Sign at fast food drive-thru reads “Sorry for the inconvenience but right now we is out of are.”

existential crisis at the drive-thru

AI will never be able to replicate what I do* every day at work.

*Tell dumb jokes, eat break room snacks & poop for 30 minutes