bug

when a police man says hes going to give you a hot meal that means hell shoot you. the hot meal is a bullet. they call it Police mans dinner

elon you woke ass sumbitch piece of sheit me & the boys challange you to a good old fashioned niagara falls barrel race— lets get fuckin wet

insects who prefer warmer weather? why the fuck are you so sensitive all of a sudden. your entire body has like 2 nerves in it. you are shit

(explaining bugs bunny to a girl) ok the thing you gotta know about this guy is hes basically never serious. He is always clowning on others

losing the clorox deal because in 2017 i asked a woman if she wanted to come ot the boulder colorado marriott hotel and get "Blacked" by me

there has never been a better time to join the "Hit the Guardrail at 80 mph and flip your Tesla on Purpose" movement

buddy you came to the wrong ass to fuck

how to install lever in my car that blocks my "Tool Makes Me Nut" bumper sticker w/ a little curtain while picking the boys up from lacrosse

i dont get involved in politics, im not interested in news, but ill gladly let an IDF guy glue my dick hole shut if it'll help him feel safe

some mandela æffect shit. a recalled vision of garfield the cat wearing a trenchcoat & holding a pistol? saying simply the word "Society..."

watching you dildo brain cock suckers play w/ AI shit is like watching a dog paw at one of those puzzle boxes that you put treats inside of

these people hate us lol straight up do not like us

Ugh I only use this thing when I’m alone and too high. Just went back through some of my posts and I am ashamed

they’re doing the tweet again

so sorry but it kindof freaks me out when couples who met in hs stay together and get married. My girl, you chose a guy to live forever with from the universe when we were 15!! Woah, I mean respect for the dedication and loyalty, but also, for me, 15 was at least 10 me’s ago. No thx

one kid in homeroom comes up to me right when he gets there and shows me football he asks me to guess what cartain players are named. I’m like *** please, I’m so ignorant. And he says “just guess” then I have to make up a fake name that I think belongs to the quarterback of the eagles

orthodontist was so geeked about how some of my piercings are safety pins and she said she’d bring some beads for them. I laughed then later she told the front desk woman to write in the notes for my next appointment “bring beads”
She kept saying “I have Santa Claus!!!” She’s insane I love her

I mean it was Genevieve first who came up and hugged me, but omg I’ve missed them both

Saw tan at cam’s show and we both screamed and hugged, then we talked about infinite jest for like 20mins just laughing and making references and jokes omg it was heavenly

“Yeah, but what bug would I be?? I’d be a dung beetle for sure”

Getting cremated at the 16th street mall

The only infinite jest movie should be a puppet show

Comics retailing legend Greg Ketter standing up to ICE in Minneapolis. Yes, that's tear gas. He's 70 years old.

Drinking eggnog and singing "nog nog noggin' on heaven's door" until I throwup or she calls my parents

Also in these 8 and a half hours we’ve come up with 6 band names

Had a really great day just hanging out with Collin. We’ve been talking nonstop since 11am. Haven’t done that in a while. We talked through a lot of issues and things too, and it was like super productive for our friendship? we aired our frustrations and talked through it like mature adults

“I’ll bar throw you into the middle of the fracas”

Last night I met a person I’ve followed on Twitter for 10+ years. He’s friends with dril and they’ve done shows together. Guess who learned dril’s real name omg

“Stop yelling at my schizophrenic roommate”

All lighters should be glow in the dark