#1 Clutch Fan

omw 😎

Jeffrey Epstein sitting in Professor X's Cerebro helmet to locate every sex offender on the planet and broadcast to them a single global telepathic pulse that says "i,,m the .email pedaphole"

no amount of state propaganda will ever convince me this man is my enemy

Got to photograph Viagra Boys a couple nights ago. It was cool as hell.

“I can finally go do karate in the park. I can join a blue man group cover group. Or start one. We could make our own crop circles, blue style. Charge people to watch us from hot air balloons. What are you gonna do about it, newspaper man?”

TELEMARKETER: (pulling up contact details purchased from some site I didn't care about) Hello? Is this Mr. Epstein speaking?
ME: Yes, this is the notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein speaking.
TELEMARKETER: And do you still live at… "the website www․goatse․cx"?
ME: How may I delight you this evening?

Printout on a shrink wrapped pallet of a sweaty bald man on his knees praying. It says DO NOT STACK ON THIS PALLET!

that’s right beg you miserable worm

St. louisians spent a whole summer fucking up Lime bikes, throwing them in the Mississippi, nailing them to street lights. It was awesome. It really brought the whole city together.

They took the ephedrine out of diet pills and the dxm out of cough syrup and they added bitter flavor to duster and morning glory seeds and then they complain that nobody is going to the store enough

if you’re online and you know it touch some grass
if you’re online and you know it touch some grass
if you’re online and you know it and your post makes people scroll it
If you’re online and you know it touch some grass

Sorry for not skeeting much but over the summer I was hired by DAPRA and Bank of America to hunt down Whack Nicholson so they could analyze his brain. I had him cornered in the forests of Erie, Pennsylvania but then he started saying some weird incel shit and it put me in a coma.

I can't stand Talking Simpsons these days and with MR leaving Vidjagame Apocalypse I stopped listening to that, as well. It's a shame that Chris has gotten more and more checked out.

What

Jacking off

the cybertruck is an appreciating asset in the sense that when I see one, I appreciate that I’m not a fucking idiot who would buy a cybertruck

Why would you tell the newspaper that your wife left you because you bought a cybertruck? And why are we not getting articles from her perspective instead. I bet she's doing great now!

mr president, they're out of food in portland. we know this because we've heard reports that they have been eating pussy

Got complimented on my @roryblank.bsky.social shirt at the Deafheaven show last night. Weird dudes stay winning.

your guess is as good as mine

The year is 2025. There are three social networks remaining. They are run by Dweeb Lowtax, Tweaker Lowtax, and Girlboss Lowtax. You have to pick at least one.

Hot take: the owning class captured entertainment, art, education, banking, legal, the social, logistics, etc. and then moved everything online in the name of progress and then enshitified it to death on the alter of capital. Now they want to infuse AI into its robot corpse.

The Iraq war laid the foundation for all of this: The militarization of law enforcement, the liberal media adopting the conservative framework of who deserves human rights, capitalism’s global buildout of surveillance, detention, and mercenary forces, and equating govt criticism to terrorism

Jacking off

i dont have any affinity for comic books or spider man or any of that shit. but the people who worked on this all the way from concept to execution should be in jail. you're all so nasty!!!!

first on the docket today, an episode of I'M FROM THE INTERNET starring myself and @ishotguydebord.bsky.social - in it we talk about a ton of stuff but mostly Lowtax v Boll in the Fight of the Century. it was a great hang and we were stoked to join - check out part 2 next week

my buddy and I found a pit in the woods that brings the dead back to life. we’ve mostly been using it to fuck with our friend brendan

[Obama voice] Spicy tonkotsu and tempura shrimp

A Demonstrator’s Guide to Understanding Riot Munitions An extensive guide to less-lethal police weaponry—including chemical weapons and impact munitions—and how to defend against and treat their effects.

A Demonstrator’s Guide to Understanding Riot Munitions : And How to Defend against Them crimethinc.com/2021/01/04/a... — @crimethinc.com

They will use any possible opportunity to settle scores, that’s what the next four years are and the sooner people understand that the better

These people just hate anyone that goofs on them because they have zero sense of humor and you will never win with them. They hate us and there is nothing you can say to placate them.