Dead Serious Mick

Growling coming from your rolltop desk just because it looked like a mouth who wanted to open and that was the power of suggestionary over stationary. These autocorrects, they just don't call to you

I put a little tray next to the toilet that reads, "Give a shit Take a shit."

Eating salt water taffy..flavor unknown. Let's name it rancid.

It is very windy on the deck but my tomatoes are hanging on for dear life. Oh wait maybe that’s me.

blue skies gray souls

I took a milk bath to soften my skin, but now I have Lucky Charms marshmallows stuck all over my body.

I had a really good breakfast sandwich.. it’s gonna be a good day.

I’m just looking for someone to love me and feed me pudding if I lose all my teeth.

I'm only clever now if I have a minute and internet access.

I got all my science from an associate of Thomas Dolby, in fact, she blinded me with it.

Not to get political, but if I’m up this early on the weekend I shouldn’t be this dressed or this sober.

I'm crawling in sick tomorrow.

somebody get this kid a halftime show!

raise your hand if your life was changed forever by Mmm Cheese

hello saucy t, your toilet paper direction tells me you're a man who can get things done

would’ve been cool if prenatal tests back when my wife was pregnant could predict if your kid would be interested in ventriloquism as a career

A picture of me in a filthy bathroom

hello I am a saucy tart

Overheard a woman telling another woman "It's $150 and she supplies all the booze" and whatever "it" is, I'm in.

I've always been sensitive about my swearing, but it fucktuates wildly when interacting with stupid people.

This is not an inspirational account. Punch someone if you need to

a computer generated image of a maze of pipes with a black background ALT: a computer generated image of a maze of pipes with a black background

Kids watch crap. The old shows were better. Who remembers Pipes Screensaver?

When the reply is better than the post.

you deserve a better you

breaking up with the piece of shit that used to be me

chasing dopamine would be a beautiful name for a woman over 50, who is up before the sun, planning to jog a 10k, but would rather be smoking a joint, eating some smothered and covered, and sleeping all day

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don't flirt

Siberian Husky wondering why cats get their own day.

Caturday? WTF?

wait, the universe is flat?

fly, or shit myself, it's 50/50 now