mave

So true! The Onion doesn’t miss 🔮

If you ever see a cat in public it is your civic duty to assist that cat with whatever matters it is currently engaged in, regardless of legality or personal financial cost

the click that fountain coke machines make when you press them is a great click. probably one of the best clicks

Happy 1st of second January to all who celebrate

It is seeming that way

Tickets are nonrefundable and nontransferable. Something to consider before booking a seat on the doomsday glacier

to the icicle that just dripped down the back of my neck: how dare you, sir?

I'm in a trance AND I'm in a transom. I'm in 2 things. Please help me.

At the gym. This is the first day I cannot park in physical therapy parking, which means it's up to a rag-tag group of elves, hobbits and dwarves to get me to the actual building.

I don't start enough sentences with the word "saaaaay."

🎶gilly up, jingle-fish,
pick up ur fins🎶

Singing "she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah" but like real sarcastically

the main thing i achieve in therapy is finding new stuff inside me. like oh cool. there’s the pit. didn’t know that was there.

“OMG, why is my chicken club sandwich crunchy? This is 12 shades of wrong!”

—me, forgetting that there’s bacon in a chicken club sandwich

Sure you’ve been linked, but have you been ~inexorably~ linked

I have confidence that if, at any time, I clapped once—loud! definitive! with purpose!—the sickest beat would drop & then an amazing hook would play & this would all become a club.

I always look like I'm going rollerskating.

“Half nine” could mean anything. 8:30. 9:30. 4.5. Just tell us what time it is

I’m not mad at him

Out of the loop today for a variety of reasons including taking my dad to the barber since he doesn’t want my mom to cut his hair anymore bc he says it makes him look like Yul Brynner

i could really go for a big glass of popcorn butter

A morning sky streaked with pink, peach, orange, and yellow tones

Reasonably nice sunrise this morning is good enough for me

Nice try, glimmers of hope! It’s still nice and dark here in my chamber of gloom….or is it?

Prince would have hated this shit

The Alex Pretti vigil in Whittier Park last night. No idea how many were there, easily thousands. The ground was frozen solid, basically a skating rink, and it was after dark in -10 weather.

The best way to meet new people is to unexpectedly fall through their ceiling in a bathtub

I’m not much for religion but if I were, if a line of clergy flew in to freezing weather to line up and oppose me while singing songs of faith, I might be thinking “are we the baddies?”

[the swath of winter weather stretching across the usa]
🎶 and i would swath 2000 miles, and i would swath 2000 more 🎶

When it’s bitterly cold, people love to tell you how long it takes to get frostbite. You can get it in 5 minutes. In 3 seconds. Just from looking out the window