Alt

It feels like this is finally the counterweight to Harambe the universe needed

My Spotify wrapped is just whatever your mom asked me to play

Go rub one out like the rest of us, dude

The perfect song doesn’t exi…

I’d say everyone should hug an Aggies fan but the prison guard will probably taze you if you try

Happy Time to Change the Direction of Your Ceiling Fan to all who celebrate

One day you think you’re still young and then the next you realize Usher’s “Yeah” can legally drink in 2 months

Reacher is Law & Order: SVU with camouflage

Verb that was an attempted kidnapping

Love to have a long range rifle with no scope

My roguish good looks and ability to open beer bottles with my teeth, clearly

When your kids bring you chips just to get in on the Twitter jokes

I wanna say blonde, but it was 20 years ago and I’m a dude that doesn’t remember that kind of stuff

Would’ve been like 2004ish. She was awesome during the party and everyone loved her. She is genuinely funny and sweet but holy shit could she drink

And no, I did not sleep with her (everybody asks)

I wish it was exciting. I picked her up from her hotel the morning after a reality TV party that the bar I bartended at held. She got in the car, put her head against the window, and only grunted “nah” when I asked if she wanted coffee

I gave Trishelle from The Real World a ride to the airport

The $60 a year is an INVESTMENT

40 just means you can now exclusively wear clothes from Costco

I took the day off solely to make a metric ton of carnitas for a party tonight

Life is good

Oklahoma head coach Luke Fickell

“I know…. This lesbian bar doesn’t have a fire exit!”

I feel Jesus in this Delta lounge today

You’re so lucky I can’t post gifs on here…

*Reads post

**Taps mug

When your friend from Minnesota says “hey, I’ve got something for you to try”, don’t….

It’s not fun again

Nope, not even out of curiosity

I promise this account will be just as terrible as you expect it to be