Davoid

voice on tape: HELLO DIPSHIT
you: oh no. i got captured by Mean Jigsaw
voice: DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME. OR ARE YOU TOO BUSY BEING POOR
you: Mean Jigsaw stop

[breaking up with an english major]

me: it's not you it's me

him: it's not me it's I

Three women in the stands at the Olympics wearing blue t-shirts that say TEAM BOWELIEVE

Ok I know it’s supposed to be Bowe-lieve but someone really should’ve talked to them

If you make the conscious decision to change 👍 into 👍🏻 you get 🤨 from me

If it ain't broke; I can break it.

your contributions to the
field of stealth technology
havent not gone unnoticed

after all why not? why shouldn't I believe it's butter?

Gender's Game: a novel by Person Scott Card

Go various birds

No Kings includes Draft Kings

Someone please hack this into the TPUSA halftime show

Maybe the football gods are including some “almost but not quite!” in their post 6 rings calculus

a broken digital clock is never right

[important document] please list your emergency contact

[me writing the words] borat voice my wife

Them: try not to think twice about it

Me: i won’t even think once

Before we get started, I just want to say thank you to all of my subscribers. This has been a dream as long as I can remember and I couldn’t have done it without you. It feels surreal to finally say it, but this is the final episode of Nutting In Every Country In The World. Welcome to Vatican City

Dad: Figure skating? How about you figure out how to get a job

Look kid, occasionally I’m going to drop an obscure boomer reference and it’s up to you to dust off your Encyclopædia Britannica and figure it out

When ppl don’t get my dated references I whap them with my VHS copy of Reality Bites

Repost with a photo of yours that would make a good album cover

This is cool

Mambo #5 was the confession of a serial killer

I’m into dog piss is what I’m saying.

A pink fire hydrant surrounded by greenery with a street visible on the left. The word RICH is in the center of it in raised letters.

Do I wanna be rich? Yeah I wanna be rich

me not?

I got dressed in the dark, & when I arrived at work I realized I was wearing mismatched socks—one was very short, barely covering my toes, & the other was very long, running all the way up my leg & then down past my foot, spilling out of my shoe & out the door.

When you find three mittens in your coat instead of two it’s a Bizarre Glove Triangle

ME: I caught Monocle Guy stealing my leftovers again.
BOSS: Is that true?
MONOCLE GUY: (monocle popping off) Good heavens!!
ME: He’s not actually surprised.
BOSS: Really? He seems surprised.
MONOCLE GUY: (another monocle popping off) Dearest me!!
ME: No, he’s doing a bit.
BOSS: Hm. I don’t know

You’re never alone when you have parasites

the sea only exists because fish cry a lot