Davoid

Cereal a band:

*tinny voice from the drone speaker* oat milk latte for Gru?

as the inventor of slicing a sandwich at a deli just enough that it looks like you have two clean halves but the bottom slice tears in a fucked up way when you try to separate the halves, i am honored to be nominated by our beloved president to head the food and drug administration

A split image showing a roach pervily riding a geyser of milk splashing out of a glass on top and a roach splayed lasciviously on its back in some milk in a glass on bottom

I’m getting bored with cake farters so maybe?

today is my bsky anniversary in lieu of gifts please drop your favorite skeets
(cum tributes and motorboating accepted in DMs only)

Gave my timeline a few spins and landed on this gem

bsky.app/profile/jame...

the skeletons in my closet are having a thing tomorrow night if you’re around

I dunno I heard 9/11/77 was pretty rockin

Your cab is on the way

What if Jesus or Judas were interviewed about The New Testament, & they were like, “You know what it doesn’t capture? How much fun we had.”

Chafing dish with a card labeling it "Meet Lasagna."

Buongiorno.

Why do sci-fi writers name their aliens Xolq and k’Tyjj and never, like, Fubbins

Can cockroach lactation porn be far behind?

Still can’t get past the Noah plot hole that millions of sea creatures wouldn’t have given a shit about a flood

We all have that one friend who says "caw! caw!" and then snatches a hot dog off your plate and flies away

Wherever it is I hope it inspires visitors to feign fellatio while going VAN GOGH GOGH GOGH

Got one for the wife and she’s been using the shit out of it. We have 5 different flavors in the freezer right now.

The 5 members of the band ‘N Sync outside an open front door.

Let that Sync ‘N

Highlander: I Hardly Knew Her

(To messenger)

Go now! Tarry not!

(Looking out the castle window moments later)

This mf tarrying

i think it would be sad when rutger hauer dies in blade runner even if he hadn't seen cool stuff

[Johnson's formulating adult shampoo]

no. let them cry.

Brb gonna learn morse code

Not the most efficient way to communicate the digits but

This is incredible

A wellwellwellness resort run by my mom: rebuking therapy, scolding treatment & healing reprimands

hitman: how about i take you out tonight

his wife: what

Me: so, what do you do for a living?

Her: I'm a midwife

Me: aw, no, I'm sure you're a great wife

It's like...you know when the moon sorta hits your eye? You know? And it's kinda like a pizza? Like a pizza moon hitting you in the eye? I'm not explaining it right, look I really like this girl

ME: I just got kicked off the jury at uncle Alan's trial.

MY MOM: It’s probably because you know him.

ME: [taking off my Chewbacca costume] Probably.