Scream into Davoid

youre right but there is something
else id like you to consider. shut up

Come by so I can foist upon you various half-boxes of last month’s cherished comestible/this month’s insult to their refined palate

well well well if if if it it it isn't isn't isn't an an an echo echo echo inside inside inside this this this well well well

lot of criticism for stephen miller but not one of you has had a moment of consideration for the ancient necromancer who enchanted his musty corpse and works so hard to contain the malevolence within

Reverse Cowgirl so I can undo the curse that turned her half bovine

i quit pumpkin spice i'm on the patch

Babe I've got an important call, please don't chant the cat's name like she's chugging a beer

*15 min later*

ᵗᵒᵒᵗᵉʳ ᵗᵒᵒᵗᵉʳ
ᵀᴼᴼᵀᴱᴿ ᵀᴼᴼᵀᴱᴿ
TOOTER TOOTER

Sex so kinky the memory foam mattress drinks to forget

DOCTOR: we found drugs in your system

ME: is there anything you can do

DOCTOR: no you did them all

the lion doesn’t concern himself with an expiration date

Is there a non-sexy way to eat celery?

(house made of candy and the bones of wee ones lured there by the promises of sweets and desserts) wow, it's pam bondi's childhood home

I get it, I really do, and I certainly enjoy our time together. But all I’m asking is that you call me your “dirty average-sized secret”, OK?

One Continuing Resolution After Another

if you see a squirrel there's a very high chance that it has forgotten where its caches are buried and is running around going, 'where are they? where the fuck are they?'

Wondering if I could crawl into my own womb like some kind of Cronenberg armadillo and roll away to the sea

“Local woman, somehow not a suspect”

Night of the Giving Head

And when you go out with someone that’s a best bi date

A permanent streak of white in her hair at the least

UNCONVENTIONAL: This woman ran out of hot dog buns and is having hot dog on a hamburger bun. She must manipulate its form. Hot dog reborn

me, funny, amazing, impossibly smart: 6 likes
my dog, the same fucken girl who scrambles if she farts unexpectedly and it scares her: 300+ likes

Reverse cowgirl, so we can both be in the selfie

Ernest Goes To Town (on that ass)

getting into conspiracy theories so i can achieve my dream of being the first man on the moon

Counterpoint: BOOOOO

If it results in fewer surprise boobs, then no

An old image search for “c3p0 arms raised”, which shows a series of 7 images. One is of LEGO C3P0 with his arms up, another shows the film version of him from the waist up on a white background with his arms indeed raised. The other images show a kid in a bathing suit by a pool doing a classic arms-up muscle flex, a shutterstock image of an underwear-clad weightlifter hefting a single dumbbell over his head, a smiling woman raising her arms over her head in front of a blue sky, another brown haired woman facing the camera topless with big naturals holding her arms up with hands behind her head, and the bare ass of a blond woman standing in front of a shower with a little coochie visible as well. Image search was going through some things.

Flashback to an image search for “c3p0 arms raised”

one time my grandma gave me some life advice & it was this: never get between her & a bloomin’ onion from outback steakhouse. she also told me that in 5 billion years the sun will expand to the size of a red giant, gasifying the three inner planets, making existence quite futile.