⫷🅴🆅🅴🆁🆈🅾🅽🅴⫸ 🇬🇧

What does it mean if the holy water sizzles when it touches your skin?

I just missed World Backup Day.

Does that mean I have to wait until next year to backup my laptop?

I just chipped my tooth.

Now my tongue will be investigating that for the next three weeks...

When you woke up and our eyes met, that scream was everything.

First date idea:

I'm wearing nothing but a red flag so he can't say he wasn't warned.

we’re going to run the country like a business! *fires HR, hires a bunch of unqualified executives, fires all the workers*

There comes a time in everyone's life when you start referring to anyone under 30 as a "kid."

First date idea: lemme watch you bite your bottom lip

I haven’t rue’d the day in quite a while. Might give it a go tomorrow.

I just canceled my subscription to life

Remember when satire was distinguishable from reality? Me either

Capri Sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

[inventing camels] give them vagina feet

I'm taking up recreational screaming

I was talking to a guy from Belgium who spoke 4 different languages fluently, which is amazing to me because I live in a country where we basically only speak 1 language and still manage to fuck it up regularly

I have forgotten how to be anything other than distrustful.

This is what Twitter/X/Grok thinks of me. It’s scarily accurate 😳

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

When your mum said you could be anything, why did you choose to be a cunt?

The person you are trying to reach is emotionally unavailable. Please try again later

i like my coffee like i like my men; sliding off the roof of my car as i absent-mindedly drive away.

date: can you take off your work gloves

Jim Henson: they have names

My GPS keeps raising her voice at me.

Does the UK have like 13 television actors and they just keep putting them in new shows? What’s going to happen when they die?

Announcement: decided to get rid of my mental health to focus on social media

Sent my husband to pick up a large pizza I ordered.

I hope he gets himself something as well.

[first date]

him: tell me a little about yourself

her: I’m a veterinarian

him: I’ve never been to veterinaria

her: no I work with animals

him: I hate my coworkers too

her: check please

it's been exactly 24 minutes since my child last asked for a snack, thoughts and prayers