austin

Used to think my taste in music was my edge but turns out I have the same spotify algorithm as the hbo music supervisors of that show about sociopath bankers

Can’t believe I actually landed an interview for this job. My resume claims I’m a specialist but my search history goes like ‘what is accounts payable?’

Idk why but antoni porowski has this way of looking at a shallot that makes you wish you were a shallot

Honestly, most people would just fake a migraine but this guy wants to convince me there’s an AI uprising on the loom

I think we’ve now reached the peak of the 21st century. My date cancelled on me bc somehow his robot vacuum cleaner got stuck behind his entrance door and he’s basically locked out

Managed to smoke only one cig on my break. I’ve decided to reward my perseverance by having a second

Currently holding my entire life together with a single 21mg nicotine patch

Staring at yalls thirst traps thinking the male body is a work of art, then the screen goes black and I catch a glimpse of myself

Staring into my black coffee trying to convince my neurons that this is a treat

Considering quitting smoking but I realize that having a cigarette isn’t just a habit, it’s my entire personality

a man in a grey shirt and grey pants is running ALT: a man in a grey shirt and grey pants is running

Googling 'justin theroux jogging' while all self-respect slowly leaves my body

I look at these crochet gays and genuinely wish I could be like that

Love how everyone has a passion. I just have a yoga mat in the corner of my room that serves as a tombstone for the 30 minutes I spent believing a hobby would fill this bottomless void

Hate other people’s birthday and how they act like it’s a public holiday. I’m just over here trying to survive a Friday

Yes, queers should be proud, but also everyone could stand to be a little more ashamed

Socking cock all my way to the hope that a rich daddy with a savior complex finally notices me before my hairline disappears completely

If you name a hockey team the Montreal Metros how are you not expecting the teammates to take team bonding literally in the locker room

Love donating to charity. By charity I mean my own delusion

two bottoms racing to see who will finish douching first? call that fleeted rivalry

Loving my new credit score. Truly heartening to know that my financial behavior is no longer considered "predictable"

Got a ton of matches on tinder but my conversational range is more like an npc

Hope it’s not weird that I’ve spent my saturday evening sexually fantasizing about young joseph stalin

It’s like the entire economy is rigged against the unloved

Tired of living in a world where being single is basically a luxury lifestyle that none of us can actually afford

That time I found a green skittle on the washroom floor at work and seriously considered eating it

Idk what it is but I’d let john krasinski ruin me

It’s like an appreciation club for guys with big schlongs and the fans are a bunch of creepy gays

Whenever I learn a hot actor's name the first thing I do is google their name followed by LPSG. How sick in the head am I?

Imagine Heated Rivalry but there’s no plot except for sexy scenes and now we’ve all turned into gooners