Hush Jared

Black people five years ago: you know, they can kill anyone they want to out there

Everybody today: hot damn, did you know they can kill anyone they want to out there?

We’re currently in that section of the history book with a map and bunch of arrows all over it

First, they came for the pedophiles, and I did n-- *touching earpiece* oh, they didn't?

My resolution, and I think it’s doable, is to run so fast into a chain link fence that I come out as cubes.

Remember when Netflix sent DVD’s by mail? That was 100 years ago.

The "Doctor of Love" title is strictly honorary. My training is actually in cardiology

My car always seems a little overconfident after an oil change

i enjoy things that aren’t this

this box says i shouldn’t, but i could totally operate some heavy machinery, right now. like totally fucking destroy it.

Server: Do you have any questions?

Me: Yes. Do you serve any other varieties of angel pasta or just the hairs?

😂

they're introducing a new level of following: tolerate

so sad to see what AI has done to our kids brains

BBC TV Screen capture of a man in a hairnet with loaves of bread in the background. Screen caption reads “STAN CAUVAIN Bread Scientist.”

“Can you tell us what you do?”
“Mostly just loaf around.”
“Wow, that was terrible.”
“Well, it killed at our Christmas party.”

As the surgeon carefully removed first the candle stick and then the wrench and finally the lead pipe from my rectum I vowed to myself that never again would I suggest playing Clue on family game night.

A toy replica of me with my dad bod.
An inaction figure, if you will.

Cybertruck Owners Only Joe Sawyer • 19h • O ... X Had an issue stopping my Cybertruck from a low speed the other day and had to make a choice to crash it or risk going tumbling down a mountain to probable death. Sucks to see, but it held up well and only a few minor scrapes and bruises. Still going over every choice made and trying to understand why it would not stop and was gaining speed from 5 mph to 12+ while on the brakes. ABS was probably hurting more than helping on this 26° downhill angle. Hoping to be able to talk to someone at Tesla as I have the crash recorder data already. [cybertruck upside down like the shitty little brick it is

joining the "cybertruck owners only" group on fb is one of the best decisions i've ever made. every so often when i'm scrolling through fb getting pissed off, i get to see a little treat like this

Missed my interview at Random House because I guessed wrong.

ME: it’s boxing day

SCHRÖDINGER’S CAT: oh shit oh fuck

still regrouping. we need a new plan

ok next year we’re defeating christmas

Why don't you want to see this ad?

□ Sensitive topic
□ Not relevant to my interests
✅️ I don't want every second of my life to be monetized by blood sucking parasites

Old Brawny guy could throw a football over those mountains

Let’s exchange scented soaps and pretend none of this ever happened

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. There are so many better reasons to hate me.

the sluttiest thing a dog can do is not fix their flipped up ear

My grandmother, a socialite with Alzheimer's, said one of the greatest things I've ever heard. I asked what she was doing, and she responded, having no idea who I was, "Oh, I'm just sitting in a house, doing things that people do when they're sitting in houses"

Inside of me there are 6 geese a laying

Wear a fanny pack with your cargo pants to be prepared for any eventuality except the sex.