Hush Jared

Charlie Kirk’s assassination is GREAT news for Trump. A precocious martyr, opportunity to take the moral high ground, a distraction from the Epstein story & the chance to be a “protector”. It’s a Reichstag-fire level of justification for a continued crackdown on universities.

An older woman sits in the back of a pickup truck.

We swore we weren’t gonna get another grandma after the last one died, but when we saw this one at the shelter, we just knew we had to have her.

It’s touch and go already. I say go for broke

The 80's were wild. One time in middle school I was pissing next to the principal and he said, "If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it."

Me: ahhh… just ended a five year relationship
Friend: omg are you alright???
Me: what? Oh fuck yeah. Wasn’t my relationship

It all went to hell when we quit painting pictures of oryxes on cave walls

Back in my days, we didn’t need to lock our cars. We just carried our pull-out stereo like a purse.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

He died doing what he did best, trying to take a selfie with a lion so he could use the caption 'Two Kings'

Fashion is insane. Y’all be trying to convince me I need to buy whatever rise of jeans is ‘trendy’ these days, and I’m still out here wearing the exact same blink-182 tshirt featured in my 10th grade yearbook photo

A very ragged, tired-looking dog peers over a fence, paws resting on top.

Suzanne watched the school bus pull away with a mix of apprehension and relief. It had been a long summer, a very long summer.

webMD said to put aloe on my sunburn but webRFKJr said to eat the sun

interviewer: what are your greatest strengths

me: i’ve been doing kegels since i woke up

AGE TEST:

You fall, people laugh= young
You fall, people gasp= old

Why do we say “chronic cheating”
and not “infinidelity”?

Waldorf and Statler on the cover of Stankonia by OutKast.

Gonzo on the cover of Nevermind by Nirvana.

Gonzo and the Chickens on the cover of Queen II by Queen.

Beaker on the cover of Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen.

album covers but with muppets: thread

I’m hot but it’s mostly internal inflammation and perimenopause.

Holding my poop in for as long as possible because I had an expensive meal yesterday.

time blindness is like the Heisenberg uncertainty principle for productivity. I can tell you what I want to do, or when I can do it, but not both at the same time

Parenting is saying “this is your last chance” while knowing they have 40 more chances

Got fired by the zoo for giving all the meerkats tiny binoculars

At this point I'd settle for dependently wealthy

Learning to be grateful that my kids stay up so late because when the apocalypse hits, someone needs to take the night watch.

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

A red-bordered sign hangs on a fence next to what appears to be a preserve. It shows a silhouette of an adult holding a small child over the fence, above the open jaws of an alligator.

do you have to bring your own or is there a vending machine?

There should be a smaller scale lottery. Like, I guess the number you’re thinking of and you give me $20