a reputable source

jesus has an alarm set on his phone to notify him every time i crank my shank and/or spank my wank

for halloween i’m going as a guy pissing down his own leg it’s right now it’s halloween right now

the good thing about my hair receding is at least it makes my dick look bigger lol my dick hangs from my scalp due to a family curse (irreversible)

i didn’t lose my virginity, per se, but i may have misplaced it

me: [fucking the shit out of Paddington 2]
husband: [walks in]
me: Paddington 1, you’re home early!

tummy out of sorts this morning so i had to call in the professional

tried to go for a run but my knees buckled and bent backwards and went up my ass and spread my ass causing my ass to drop all my secrets (precious moments figurines)

doing It doggy style so i can use her back to rework my yugioh deck

your girls fists you bc of the “sexual pleasure”

my girl fists me bc i got the remote control lodged up there again

mr. beast set me loose and told 1000 contestants they’d win big bucks if they catch The Stink Boy, but here’s the thing — no one wants to touch me 😎

one time i played dark side of the moon in one earbud and trout mask replica in the other which made my my balls fused together into on giant super ball and now my wife won’t look me in the face

did you say mario kart world is on fire?

my opponent turning their pawn into a queen and me accusing them of making chess woke

everyone in a zombie movie: oh no, it’s some kind of dead angry bitey person that we don’t have any kind of word for yet

same with my teeth’s jolly little tummy

shavin my teeth but the hair keeps growing back like tim allen’s beard in the santa clause

i got bones in my dick

future archeologists findin my dick bones and thinkin they discovered a new kinda brontosaurus

choking to death in the corner of texas roadhouse while my waiter begins dancing to footloose for the third time

my bday is tomorrow, which means it’s time to push an egg out of my belly button like i do every year. can’t wait to see what happens when they all finally hatch!

slurplin on a sweaty cup of chilly chockle milt

either folks here aren’t fans of famous psychological experiments or more likely this joke just sucks

was so focused on my parents throwing dishes at each others heads i didn’t even notice the gorilla walk by

absolutely cackling

working overtime to get all the crows in my neighborhood addicted to screens so they stop stealing my medications

fucken hate reading manga. all the stories are told in reverse. get off your tarantino bullshit and write a linear damn book.

i understand that these dancers are just trying to make money, and maybe the strip club wasn’t the best place to do paperwork, but c’mon girls i need to finish my taxes

in the last year the top 1% have made more than 100 billion dollars combined which is enough to solve me not having 100 billion dollars GIMME DA MONEY