Schmrrrrrrrlex

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

the enemy of my enemy? I don't think he has one. everybody loves that freakin guy

doc: you should take fish oil for your heart

me: question: how do they get oil out of a fish?

doc: I have no idea

me: are the fish ok after the oil gets taken out?

doc: I wouldn't think so

me: so they like, smoosh the fish. to get the oil

doc: yeah, something like that

me: what the fuck

[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent
[me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now

The Shutdown of U.S.A.I.D. Has Already Killed Hundreds of Thousands The short documentary “Rovina’s Choice” tells the story of what goes when aid goes.

Grok, do an epic roast of Elon based on that time he killed hundreds of thousands of human beings

www.newyorker.com/culture/the-...

my people

both of my kids love them, but they seem a little extra to me. what happened to the simple joy of a sour patch kid

no shit

indeed, I'm gonna need to see Elon drink some really nasty piss before he deserves to be in that convo

Came here to say the same thing. The hot dog is not too old to eat. it is fine

when you tell the military to follow the Constitution and the president responds by melting down and threatening to have you killed, kinda makes you wonder whether he wants the military to follow the Constitution

when my kid uses my debit card to doordash himself a huge bag of nerds gummy clusters and a six pack of blue gatorade

I would appreciate that thank you

good luck with this. made a similar post one time and was well actually'd to death by worm biologists

I had an extra dimension in my apartment for a while but it made everything go to the left. it wasn't right

H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu

Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy

the thing that most likely happened is the grand jury returned a no true bill, but the foreperson told Halligan they agreed on two of the counts. Halligan had a new indictment written up for the two other counts, found the foreperson in the hallway and had them sign it without reconvening.

Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow

friend i haven't seen in 3 years: yo what's up man

me: i saw an air conditioner fall on a guy's head

friend: did it kill him

me: yeah completely i gotta go good seeing you

it loves butter, cheese and red meat? damn that brain worm just like me fr

we flew too close to the sun 😔

BREAKING: scientists have mapped 97% of the DNA from the burger king long chicken sandwich. the results will both terrify and nourish you

I loved the long chicken sandwiches I ate there 20 years ago. but these days BK can no longer execute. people say, "those are just your memories from being young and stoned." and to them I say: I am just as stoned right now. and this chicken is long but not good

That's a reference to Johnny Cash lyrics, not a death threat. just fyi

is it a fucking cantaloupe

*a wry smile as my nemesis dashes for the bathroom* I spent the last few years building up an immunity to mayonnaise-based salads

the thing no man is? good luck with that buddy

me: I love this song

my kid: I don't, it's too sad

me: sad songs are wonderful. there's something sad inside all of us, and the music speaks to that part of you

kid: doesn't that make you sadder

me: yes

kid: so you just like being sad

me: oh no it's the worst

Me kicking an ice cube under the fridge: 🫤

The tiny people under the fridge that live off of them: God has blessed us once more! The famine is over!

Man holding his dying child: Please, my son needs first call!

Snarling merchant: Your family’s had their time on the cube!