THE Burger King

What did/do you think of Asimov's writing? I thoroughly enjoyed everything I read by him and this reminds me that I've been meaning to read more of his stuff for ages.

An Icelandic Sheepdog standing over a red rubber bone, waiting to play.

A phnom de plume is a Cambodian penh name.

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird

[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

I've always suspected that jorts season has its fringe benefits.

Are we talking pre-new look Guy Fieri? Because new look Guy Fieri looks like he'll take you all the way to Bibletown.

Closing 2 years for renovations is the new "YOU CAN'T QUIT, YOU'RE FIRED!"

Yes, and that's why it's now long. That said, Mrs. ADay agrees with you.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

Why do we call them loan sharks and not persons of interest?

Me: Sometimes I'll call my calf muscles my mooscles lol

Personal trainer: *crying* I will literally pay you to find somebody else to do this

a man in a blue suit talks on a cell phone Alt: Will Ferrell as The Anchorman in a phone both dropping the phone and screaming.

When you finish the coffee.

just got off the phone with the irs they said file whatever you want this year nobody’s checking

If it doesn't kill you, it's probably a placebo.

Snow and sleet accumulation which varies greatly between deck boards and the flat surfaces of deck furniture.

It turned from powder to sleet here in Baltimore maybe 2 hours ago after about 8 hours of snowfall. Both the snow and sleet are doing the same thing, producing this disparate buildup on my deck and deck furniture.

[dating a rodeo clown]
*every time i go in for a kiss she dodges me and then hams it up for the crowd*

Restaurant pickles are most of the reason why I don't buy pickles anymore. I just make my own instead.

Guy at work farted in the office so bad that we all cleared out and when we had a meeting about how people need to go outside to fart from here on, absolutely nobody laughed or even smiled. It was a fart so bad it made the entire concept of farts unfunny for all of us

every seat in a movie theater should have an "I have to pee" button and if enough people press it they should be able to pause the movie

Kinda sucks that the first thing everyone wants to know when you're born is how much you weigh

[Hogwarts Culinary School]

Hermione: How did you do that?

Harry: I just said, "Garnish my steak."

Ron: Blimey, Harry, you're a Parsleymouth!

More like a subpinot.

If it weren't for all the facial hair at the Golden Globes, I never would have known about Januhairy.

What she says: "I washed three loads of our laundry."

What she means: "I washed three loads of my laundry and a pair of your boxers."

And then your bags came out on claim #1.

I put the horrific in honorific.

common meme where a guy stands up in a crowd to make a point

em dashes have long been a common punctuation mark and no more an indication of AI than anything else

When redheads have tooth plaque, it's called gingervitis.

All my problems will be solved if I eat healthy for the 24 hours preceding my bloodwork

I avoid hanging out with French brothers. I'm a frèr evader.