THE Burger King

Who needs sex when you have cool ranch doritos?

Therapist: *scribbling furiously*

Now that I take yoga, I can cry in all kinds of crazy positions.

it's called "gross pay" bc it's gross that you don't actually get all of that money

A hand is holding a lit Bic lighter.

Unsolicited Bic pic.

Detective: Find any clues?

Investigator: The perp stepped in wet cement.

Me: Looks like we've got *sunglasses* concrete evidence.

In superhero movies, there's three types of guys: good guys, bad guys, and *puts on glasses and mustache* disguise.

Just think: Before the internet, it would've taken days, weeks or even months to receive mountains of misinformation we get now in just minutes

I'm going to start off by complimenting YOU on your killer collection of tees and kicks. (And killer (murderer) jokes.)

You're just seeing this now? 😂

This list is just my way of saying thanks to everyone who brightens my day. 😘

If you flip my couch cushions you won’t find spare change, just an alarming number of Cadbury micro mini eggs.

I see you reposted me. Is it because your wife is out of town?

I'm learning how to farm on flat grassland one steppe at a time.

"I have a problem with potion control."

-fat wizard

[Crime Scene]

Detective: So you're telling me that a portal to Hell opened, then Satan stepped out and took all the soda?

Gas Station Clerk: Yes.

Me: Looks like the Devil *sunglasses* got his Dew.

My mother said I didn’t live up to my potential but I got 6 likes on my last post so WHO’S LAUGHING NOW MOM

The Vikings came and they Wentz.

imma write a book about philosophy & call it “I Kant. Even” or “I Used to Get High. Marx” or “For Hume. The Bell Tolls” or “Bacon & Eggs-istentialism” or “I Feel Like Thoreau-ing Up” or

(trailer voiceover) this halloween, grass touches back

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: i’m going to let you off with a warning

so daniel day-lewis was just “acting” like he was done acting?? brilliant

There was a method to his madness.

Shiksa: Killing word in the Weirding Way, heartbreaker to mothers of good Jewish boys.

Sorry to hear about your father. Sending you strength. It sounds like caring for him is going to be quite taxing on you. Don't forget to take time for yourself so that you can give him the attention, dignity and respect he deserves when you are with him.

I only have a few friends but hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of them soon

I'm always my authentic self, and apparently that's not great for marriage.

CDC now recommends licking doorknobs instead of getting vaccinated

Me: Wanna settle this like men?

Him: Darn right I do!

*we go outside and start filling our cargo shorts pockets to see whose holds more*

Live
Laugh
Loincloth

(existential Borat) my life