Dan Cerinthedark

You may drop off all your empty toilet paper tubes leftover from shitposting in the big box in the break room for the Bluesky holiday crafting party

last christmas i gave you my heart, this christmas im a zombie

Babe, I made lunch *hands you a thawed Crustoffs sandwich from the kangaroo pouch of my wearable blanket*

Starting to suspect my workplace only keeps me around because I'm good at opening envelopes with my vestigial elbow talons

When someone self-identifies as a Lord of The Rings fan, I put my hand on their shoulder and say "we know"

I guess having a really hard time pretending to be okay wasn't the response they expected

Why the long face, Chris?

They put my flesh though the spaghetti making machine.

the socks stay on during sex (as protection from my toenails)

A young white-tailed deer in the snow, looking at me through some trees

This is Terry. If you zoom you can tell that’s a total Terry face

*gets a teardrop tattoo for every boner I’ve killed*

I think I might be a little tired and distracted. I just pulled out my car keys and clicked the unlock button in order to call the elevator at work.

Defenestrated all the chocolates in the advent calendar.

work slower not mo-er

You felt your favorite heartache this many times, and as a report generated by those heartache times, we will not be reminding you with the feelings you had. Here's you superimposed on a pin dropping

after you put on a pair of new glasses they’re never that clean again, the smudges just get moved around in different little designs as a fun challenge for your eyes

skeleton outdoor decoration in the snow

he's a mood🤣🖤

washing the car with the baby is way different than washing the car WITH the baby

Sometimes I just don't get it, but I don't keep it copacetic either

If you know what you're doing then know it quietly, I'm trying to make an outline for a step by step subjectivity I can believe in over here

self care is staying just dumb enough that you can still trick your brain into feeling good

Getting smooshed and molded into a new broken record later. Getting smooshed and molded into a new broken record later. Getting...*record scratch*

Hey buddy, just wanted to let you know everyone can see your purple nurple through that shirt.

You can tell which angels live among us by their hubcap diamond star halos

"Why are you digging a big hole?"

"Better to have a big hole and not need it than need a big hole and not have it"

Cologuard keeps texting me: when ya gonna shit in a box DANIEL how come u no shit in our box yet PLEASE RESPOND

Wildest desires are not part of quarantine because you kept them so hidden away. I would like to escape in one, but just to be on the safe side are there any satisfied by a whole town taking turns in your blimp

For 17 weeks in 1991 the entire country was held hostage by Bryan Adams. We have never recovered as a nation.

morse code via bass drum

live in the present, hide in a box until xmas