Frostbitten Flamingo

I don’t miss calls, I stare at them.

Here, smoke some mirrors.

sure, I could think before I speak, but where’s the fun in that?

Just realised I’m not reading The Forty Rules of Love, it’s reading me.

The top five worst ways to be found:

5. Out
4. Guilty
3. Wanting
2. Dead
1. By your email

I'm as much to blame as you are, I said, because what's one more lie.

Amazing if literal: Letting yourself go.

Morning.

Be the unreliable narrator in your own life.

my job doesn’t pay me enough to think about work outside of work

I don’t talk to myself when I’m alone because I read the room.

On the bright side, someone thought I was in my late thirties. So there's that.

Self-awareness and other acts of horror.

what a fuckin shitshow!

-me, to my inner dialogue

Didn’t feel like myself today. Huge thanks to everyone who clocked community service hours by putting up with me.

has anyone started to defrost mariah carey yet?

Read books. That's it. Don't care which ones. Just read books. The more the better. Read books.

I'm not flexible enough for a double entendre

Be careful what you wish for. Because it might not happen and then you'll be Sad.

Can’t right now, someone at work did something stupid: a novel

Two wrongs don't make a right. Another two might though, don't give up.

I like to tell people I’m a comedian so they’ll know my posts aren’t funny

I hate it when I go out in public and the public is there.

French fries are the currency of love

I’d forgotten just how exhausting a panic attack can be :(

Listen. Life is short. Take the vacation. Eat the dessert. Dress like an elderly British woman to defy custody laws and see your kids. Get the guacamole yes I know it’s extra. Be extra.

Why learn big words when you can productatiously contrivicate your own?