Adam

“Micronesia” is when you forget little things.

What if I unzip my pants and slip into something more comfortable called a food coma

A multivitamin is not going to fix me.

I’ve not been on a date in so long I’m unsure how long to wait before making serial killer jokes

She's a 10 but uses "devil's advocate" like a safe word

Haha that was totally worth a try

It DOES!

My fatal flaw is paying $100/month in streaming services and still constantly watching Tubi.

Woody: until I look, the snake is in superposition

Buzz: wtf are you talking about

Woody: there’s a snake in my boot, and there isn’t.

I can still hear the record scratch when the fella asked for someone to “please pass the jelly” LOL

Dang it they were, we ate so many peanut butter crackers back then 😄

Never start a blood feud with a raccoon or any other animal that can open a jar

me: *reading my horoscope*

my horoscope: before we get into this, you may want to pour yourself a stiff drink

😁 it was so good they could still eat mustard sandwiches on it

If the 80s taught us anything, it’s that rich people not only made sandwiches in the back of their limousines, but were so desperately short on gourmet mustard that they would ask people in traffic for it.

Is it normal for your therapist to run you over with their car

DOCTOR: We need to talk about your blood sugar

ME: I’m all ears dollface

HIM: Get out

My 23&Me came back and it said I was 50% Captain Ron.

My scat singing is writing checks my falsetto can’t cash

Me: Are all the mouths for eating, or is it just the one, and the rest are for roaring and gnashing teeth

H.P. Lovecraft: How do you keep getting in here

Greeting my daughters’ boyfriends at the door with, “full plates of food cost $5.”

Gonna go ahead and put an end to the debate about the “greatest story ever written.”

me: hi i'm just calling because i haven't been receiving my statements

my bank: hello sir, yes i can explain that, we recently changed everybody's statement delivery preferences

me: but my preferences haven't actually changed. what you did is called ignoring my preferences.

I'm the bookie at my neices high school softball games

I need a coffee the strength of an all caps text w 4 exclamation points

I’d be a billionaire if I could invent a device that lets you smack stupid people over the Internet.

I remember when getting sweaty wasn't just from putting on Spanx.

I am beginning to think that my childhood anti-aging regimen of Flintstone vitamins and stealing my mom's Clinique gifts with purchase aren't going to prevent me from having to use industrial strength eye cream at age 50

A Viking funeral, but you deep fry me in batter, then finish me with powdered sugar and strawberries and serve me up like a funnel cake.

Hollywood has done nothing more cruel than to make Lestat look like Tom Cruise.