McDad

Last night, I dreamt I owned an older female horse. It was a night mare

My teen daughter, realizing she’s going to be 20 in 3 years:

That’s like a real person, eww!

Today is Wednesday, or as we refer to it in adulting, Trash Day Eve

I’d like to submit for a transfer over to one of the other simulations

I was at a concert till 11pm last night. I’m gonna need coffee, cucumbers over my eyelids, a heating pad, a neck and head massage and someone to tell me everything’s gonna be ok

If you sneeze 3 times in a row, a dad shows up to say well done (and hand you a tissue)

Roses are red, violets are blue. The dirty dishes are still in the sink waiting for you

If she doesn’t leave you roses by the stairs, does she even care?

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a while. I wonder if I’m coming down with something

Wife: Why are you in here making obnoxious jokes about chicken?

Me: I’m roasting the chicken

Got fired from my job as a tour guide at the dynamite factory for saying the tour was gonna be lit

The new phrase to replace “I’ve got money to burn” is “I’ve got eggs to drop”

Next year’s Super Bowl halftime performer should wear jorts

True. Maybe I should take her advice

My daughter said if I got a low taper fade I’d look fire, and I just don’t remember talking to my parents like this

Got fired from the HVAC company for singing “What’s cooler than being cool?” every time a customer called to say their furnace wasn’t working

My gym is having a Valentine Dinner for couples, and something about taking my wife to the gym for Valentine’s Day feels kinda divorce-y

Matthew McConaughey, not very excited about something:

Alright

Saw a woman reading a book of poetry on the treadmill.

Just poetry in motion

Made it through Dry January! Haven’t had a shower all month

My blood type right now: G for gingerbread

I’ll be entering the witness protection program. I accidentally dried my hands with the Christmas towels

The real Christmas miracle would be if someone in this family besides me took out the recycling just once

A gingerbread house is much easier to decorate when you imagine it in a neighborhood with strict HOA guidelines

Nobody really talks about all the bird poop that would accumulate from the 12 Days of Christmas song

😬

I’m trying to have a holly jolly Christmas, but right now it’s pretty worky jerky

This is the one time of year I’ll really allow myself to get into Wham!

We’ve reached the point of Christmas season where I’m basically injecting peppermint right into my veins

😉