Henpecked Hal

Been in this house nine years and I almost got all the light switches figured out.

I was feeling pretty good until I tried to book a face painter for my daughter’s birthday party and realized they make twice what I do.

bouncer: I'm not going to tell you again

me: ok, ok, I'll stop

bouncer:

me:

bouncer:

me: *yawwwwnnnn*

bouncer: you're out!

sorry but “people are either going to love me or hate me” is the worst of the personality types

taking my last sip of fluids for the day at 6 AM so I don’t have to get up to pee in the middle of the night

That’s the whole joke! Kernel/Colonel

me: did you hear about the corn that joined the army?

daughter:

me: he was a kernel

daughter:

me: because—

daughter: I’ll be in my room

"See, THIS is what I'm talking about when I say parents have NO CLUE. No, I don't mayonnaise on my sandwich. Kids HATE mayonnaise. It's out. It's for old people. Kids love MAYO on their sandwiches. MAYO is hot right now." - my son, educating me

One of the most rewarding aspects of parenting is watching your kids develop skills you never dreamt possible. She’s only seven, but my daughter just spilled her milk telepathically.

me, passing a small-font flyer to my wife: you may not be able to read this, but...

As he walked off the field after tee ball practice my son asked if he did a good job. "No," I said, "you did not do a good job." The dad next to me slowly turned around, but before he could react my son yelled out, "I did a GREAT job!" The dad paused and turned back. We got 'em.

me: so I was just thinking, maybe I’ll gather up what everyone’s going to wear on our trip this weekend…

wife: that’s called “pre-packing”

me: but also, what if I made a list of everything we’re going to eat on our trip…

wife: uh huh, that’s called “meal planning”

Having a second kid is like having a sixth drink. You're going to be miserable in the morning anyway, so why not?

first grader, reading his homework: “What do you think? Should Chip clean his room?” I know what they *want* me to say, but I’m not sure it’s the right answer for me.

I’m saving up money to plant a row of bushes along the side of my yard. I call it my hedge fund.

that point in the movie where you learn that both the florist and the small town cop protecting her are *extremely* into parkour

son: whatever, I’m not even listening to you

me: THAT'S IT! You're out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn't actually care about the school play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don't want to go to it

It’s hard to fathom just how deep the ocean truly is.

AAAACHOOOO!!!

Is that your *real* sneeze?

Yeah.

You’re not exaggerating it?

No.

So you’re saying if you were in a meeting with your boss right now that’s exactly how you would sneeze?

Exactly.

You can’t control it at all?

Not at all.

Hmmm…

It’s just how I sneeze.

Ok…

😂🙌🙌

Sisyphus, but it’s me unloading the dishwasher because the dirty dishes are piling up.

😆😆😆

me: has anyone seen my water bottle?

son: no

daughter: no

wife: good riddance, that thing smells

She’s done something to it. I know she has.

Normalize adults-only national holidays.

Some of you have falsely accused my daughter of falling asleep on the couch for the last 45 minutes. Please be aware that nothing could be further from the truth. She’s actually laughing at you. I guess you’ve never seen someone relaxing before. Expect to hear from her attorneys.

The feeling of pressure when your spouse is on the phone and looks at you and says, “remember this number…”

Welcome to daycare. Here's your eye infection.

Great point!

wife: let’s go sit outside

me: outside? where the sun is?

My wife asked me to buy “a bunch of cilantro” at the store so I bought a bunch of cilantro but it turns out that a bunch is an actual unit of measurement for cilantro.