Jerry

There is a mirror in room 402 that shows viewers their reflections 32 seconds into the future. It has saved and ended many lives. We cannot take it down. We have tried.

they should terraform the earth

*running into someone i haven’t seen in forever* omg, i think about your dog all the time

that which does not kill you will only be denied coverage by insurance

Photo of a cat facing down a large group of pigeons in a parking lot. The birds are clustered together except for one brave soul a few inches out front and closer to the cat

lol love how they send one guy out to negotiate

Inflatable Thanksgiving decoration. It is a brontosaurus wearing a top hat (not a pilgrim hat) and bow tie. "Happy Thanksgiving" is written on its side. The dinosaur's tail is wrapped around a pumpkin.

I can't find the Bible verse that accounts for this.

the thing about ever unmuting accounts you've muted is don't

if you tell your parents that you don’t want to have kids and they look offended, it’s because they’re thinking “damn, why didn’t I think of that“

PAVLOV: thank you for watching my dog! did they drool a lot?

SCHRÖDINGER: yes and no

Lloyd Sithole

If I was a newscaster I would 100% have to apologize for mispronouncing his name.

Gerrymander Maine so the lobster people have to vote with the survivalists

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, rock you like a hurricane

I handed out neighbor-printed whistles in Flatbush tonight and it was lovely. New Yorkers in motion do not EVER stop to chat but for this, they did.

One church lady in a fancy hat gleefully took a whistle and told me she’d “blow they icy asses outta her town,” then apologized skyward for swearing.

How do we even know the stuffing isn’t Stove Bottom? (This is a seasonal post.)

Me to baby: say MA-MA
Baby: *dolphin noises*

There’s a kid on my 4th grader’s bball team named Larry.

Dunkin now has pretzel bites filled with my favorite British STD: pub cheese.

I don’t think we’ve spent enough time considering the positive side of having a president with dementia.

whoever came up with the word puzzles should name more things

There should be a lot more hairstyles for dogs

wow, unfollowing now. thanks for the gift of fire or whatever but i don't think eagles should have a liver-based diet

When a professional songwriter writes a line like “I love you more than words can say,” that’s probably the most romantic way to slack off at work.

ever since i was a child i always knew i wanted to mine every single moment of my waking life to make jokes on a computer

Great news. No houses in my neighborhood have exploded in at least five days.

Imagine being able to find something in the first drawer you try.

a fun thanksgiving ice breaker is to go around the table and rate everyone by hotness. it’s fine if no one else wants to play

Hello new users.
Friday is “Bring Your Own Taco Salad” day, and every other day is for melancholic yearning.

Enjoy!

I'm werner herzog and this is jackass