michael (derogatory)

imagine being more embarrassed about paying to have your ass slapped while riddled with enough cocaine to buy a pacific island and slithering on the floor than you are saying these words out loud

you’re hearing it more and more, canadians should be facing in the direction of london, ontario at all times during the anthem

druids confirmed

find me at the international arborists conference if you want an asskicking/what if we kissed at

not sure what i expected from dead mountain but the slow burn of the early chapters feels almost jarring, like my imagination is ready to run in a dozen directions into the urals but no we are still in sverdlovsk

second verse on this is one of the funniest things i've ever heard

let’s get high and make meatballs with a dumbass movie on because a friend said at 9pm they want that for their birthday tomorrow

(long e and a) predator

hey come to my 2000 sq ft workout room it has four machines in it and after using it every day for the last five years i look like a malnourished catfish

calling out responses to cba offers before sliding the paper across the table, commenting on manfred’s dry hands after a bathroom break, solving all the problems of baseball during an offhand comment that cites kennesaw mountain landis’ goldfish as proof he worked for the KGB during the war…

locally grown, organic, farm to table, heat from frozen

watching a government minister tell people to “shop local” for pancakes

“you’re always the last one in the office, you should leave too!” thanks the 20 minutes of silence between everyone else leaving and me heading out has been healing me for almost a year now

thousands of years of constant disgusting shit, suffering and death only to sweatily protest my child getting a life-saving jab because i yearn for them to be leech-food while a guy in a bird mask snorts incense to avoid dying from bad smells. we did it

the houston cougars, every year, to me:

wow literally “a secret third thing”

this was on cbc radio this morning (which must be endured for work between 8-8:30am) and i went from groggy to seeking walls to run through very fast

yes hello you are the sixth person i have spoken to can you give me an estimate on a cross border overnight for one “donut” wait don’t hang u-

asked for 6 and they said “we only have huge boxes” like am i made of stone?!??

uh oh whoops etc

Philadelphia, you are the best

local deli/bakery sells individually and the slope from getting one as I pass by to buying four “for everyone at the office, cough, ha ha” is slippery as hell

Watching pairs figure skating and crying, normal Monday

Going to walk the dog at least three times in frustration/disappointment/joy(? lol) during the Houston-Iowa St game tonight

It’s too bad that there is no adequate comeback to “oh, and I suppose you’d like to hold literally EVERYONE accountable for causing grievous bodily injuries and deaths while impaired and operating heavy machinery, right Stalin?” Prosecutors hate this one simple trick etc.

79-year-old who drove into girl guides, killing 8-year-old in London, Ont., sentenced to house arrest | CBC News The 79-year-old London, Ont., woman convicted of driving her car into a troop of girl guides, killing an eight-year-old girl and injuring seven, has been sentenced to two years less a day of house arr...

It’s even wilder that this is a normal trend as I learned a while ago www.cbc.ca/news/canada/...

“Family day” is a stupid concept but also somehow the best holiday of 2026 because there are zero expectations, nobody says “happy family day” unless they are emotionally damaged, and there are sports on all day to act as a safety blanket for those of us who are emotionally damaged the RIGHT way