Diarrhea! At the DMV

waterbending the diarrhea out of my opponent

That slow slog through the heat with that blue Walmart bag filled with the days provisions, wrapped around your wrist and raised up against the sky in an attempt to block the killer rays of the sun from continuing to cook your face.

Gonna make my own fried chicken and save myself $700

If you had relatives that remember killing in WW2 and were still alive when you were a kid then you’re a baby boomer I don’t give a fuck

This site is too classy for fart jokes

turkeys are nature’s truck nuts

Sometimes I wish I were a moose.

Me: 🎶 Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high 🎶
Butterfly: Bet.
Me: What?
Butterfly: Go on.
Me: It's just a song.
Butterfly: And you're just a wingless little bitch.

[turning off my hearing aids]

My girlfriend: You don't wear hearing aids

Me: WHAT?

I'm going to write a book called "The End of Constitutional History" and it'll just be a series of bad law professor social media posts.

It's a myth that you can get warts from toads but get too close and you will definitely catch their sense of ennui.

Saw one of these the other day and it was so fat it grossed me out. Turns out they eat the larvae of pests so go on you ugly motherfucker and do your thing!

My kids were at my mom’s place once and her ironing board was out and they were like “dad, dad, what is that thing?”

Flipping through channels on a hotel-room TV, I briefly glimpsed scenes from Parasite and Get Out in motion-smoothed super-HD, & now I need a memory scrub. How does that format make every filmed image look identically hideous?

A great horned owl perches on a fence post at dusk in Longmont, Colorado.

#bird #birds #owl #owls #photography #photograph #photographs #photo #photos #nature #great_horned_owl
#great_horned_owls #owlet #owlets #wildlife

Fear can make you do all kinds of crazy shit.

Fear is so insidious that most people don’t even see it when it’s controlling every decision they make in life.

Nothing will change if people don’t realize that rich people are their enemies that must be accepted with love and understanding just like all the other pieces of shit out there so that we can come together unified as one and kill the wealthy.

I’ll be the crappy AM radio playing in the background while you dress your cats up in period costumes.

I Can't Believe It's Not Butthole!

Mr Sparkle

I couldn’t resist putting my dick in the pickle cutter at work. Turned out to be a bad idea. We both got fired.

A dog's rear end and tail shaven. The dog's tail is bobbed for about a half length tail.

She's right. Shaving did make it look bigger.

If you brought somebody here from 1990 they’d wonder why everybody is either wearing pyjamas or dressed like a prostitute

One of those farts that smells like a gas station burrito that somebody used as a diaper on a really hot day

A round cat in a tuxedo standing on its hind legs.

“We will sell no wine before its time.”

If you try to rob a bank in a ski mask, you should also wear ski pants and a ski jacket while holding ski poles and standing on skis. That way, when the police arrive, you can say "Just looking for the bunny slope, playboy"

YouTube video by viagra boys Viagra Boys — The Bog Body (Official Video)

🎶Do you even know the difference? Between a swamp and an ancient bog? In bog you are pickled in swamp you would decompooooose

youtu.be/BFhMRvnj0n4?...