Colin Sharp

A Ren Faire implies a Stimpy Faire

People sometimes ask me how I learn about cool new movies. Answer is simple: I watch the trailers on DVDs I rent from the library.

If I was an NBA coach, I’d tell my guys that if we win the championship, I’m throwing them a pizza party.

Photo of a construction site with a six story garbage chute that I will ride.

Slipped the foreman $20 to ride the slide.

I’m getting word that four was a bit of a lowball and that there are nearly 200 nations on Earth.

I’m not full-on excited every time there’s a new movie coming out from A24, but Death of a Unicorn is the first time a trailer alone for an A24 movie has made me say “what the fuck is this bullshit?!”

Asking other comedians if they're free on a certain day as if I'm going to offer them a gig, but instead I just ask them to come over and hang out with me.

Hope everyone enjoyed the Super Bowl, today I watched Women Talking (2022) and I LISTENED.

If I was an NBA player, I know for sure I would move the ball on offence and stay locked in on defence.

At the last minute, my wife asked me to come with her to visit friends I haven’t met before. Her pitch: “I’ll buy you some meat.”

Practically speaking, a trade war means telling myself I’m “going to war” when I walk through the grocery store and don’t buy Lay’s chips.

The best movie is Zodiac.

I make fun of myself for having ultimately pointless "email jobs", and then I have to coordinate something with another comedian and think to myself "actually, I am very good at email and this is a valuable skill."

A pretty bulletproof moral case for media piracy is when you rent a DVD from the library, but it's too scratched to play the last 25 minutes of the movie.

Screenshot of a calzone menu of 8 different calzones, but the picture is identical for all of them.

The photos really help me make my decision.

Screenshot of torrent software showing a download of Emilia Perez.

If you're curious about a widely-hated, widely-nominated film, you can always watch it in the way that avoids letting Netflix think you are actually interested in it.

I want less Silicon Valley companies and more companies like Tabasco where everything is just put into big oak barrels and once in awhile an aging Cajun man walks in and goes “how them babies doin”

At the 70mm screening of The Brutalist and I’ve ever seen so many people coming to the movies by themselves.

I am also by myself.

Photo of a DVD titled “Mickey One”

Fifteen more to watch before I’m ready for Bong Joon-Ho’s upcoming movie.

Screenshot of feature in Waze that says “laugh through traffic with Nate Bargatze”

What level of fame as a comedian is “navigation voice on Waze”?

Grey-haired lady at the grocery store didn't want to pay $16 for a big bag of Babybels so she just told the cashier again and again they should be $12. And the cashier folded. Charged her $12.

First Federal party to charter a bus of grandmas to Galen Weston's house gets my vote.

To be frank, these so-called “reindeer games” seem an awful lot like unpaid labor that Rudolph should be glad not to be a part of.

Just had a morning person learn what time I woke up and dropped a “must be nice”. Motherfucker, I don’t even get home from doing shows until midnight and last time you saw a clock that said 9:35pm you melted like the Wicked Witch of the West.

NYT crossword clue that reads “First New York Times crossword editor, 1942–69”

If you were on a third date with the NYT crossword, you would get hit with “so do you love me or not?”

Yup. Good for it.

YouTube Music yearly recap showing that my top artist was Steely Dan.

Another banner year for Walter and Donald in the Sharp household.

What’s the going policy for how to rate and tip a Lyft driver that watches Tik Toks at every red light?

The twin emperors from Gladiator II sit on thrones.

The McPoyle brothers from Always Sunny wear bathrobes in the bar.

Gladiator II, featuring Emperor McPoyle and Emperor McPoyle.

Screenshot of news article with headline “Creator of Vancouver's Gastown steam clock dies”. Subhead reads “Built in 1977, the Gastown clock is an oft-photographed and much-discussed tourist attraction”

Quote from same article: “The clock has had critics who call it a piece of faux history that is not actually powered by steam. "It's presented in a way that makes countless tourists think that it's some kind of ancient device when it's actually from 1977," comedian Colin Sharp told CBC News in 2017.”

You mock a tourist trap clock on stage enough that one time in 2017, you get asked for a quote. Then, in 2024, your words are dunking on a dead man in his obituary.

It’s me, a man in a linen shirt and a hard hat, standing beside pallet of barrels full of aging rum that are stacked six tall.

I contributed my own personal touch to the flavour profile of Mount Gay Rum by farting in their barrel warehouse.