tiny tiny cat

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was actually that sick wheelie back in '79

“A cloud is just water vapor” bro a dream is just electrical activity in your brain quit being such a downer about the puffy sky mallows

Rodan the flying Kaiju menacing a building, caption reads you thought Rodan would not appear in this feed? WRONG

#KaijuUp

there should be adult bathtub toys like miniature billionaires we can pretend to drown

zoomer dad, about to abandon his child: brb im just stepping outside for a second to vape

Hating the same things is a love language.

A roadside billboard reads “Your wife knows...”

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

Porn should have jump scares

Billionaires shouldn't be allowed on the internet except to send emails. They can also play NYT games if they want, whatever.

ME: [existing]

DOCTOR: [getting ready to spin the wheel that says "Lose Weight," "Have a Baby" & "It's Just Anxiety"]

ME: I think my toe is broken

DOCTOR: Have you been feeling anxious lately?

first look at Brendan Fraiser in The Whale (2022)

Goldfish 1: knock knock

Goldfish 2: who's there

Goldfish 1: who's where

Goldfish 2: what

I’m not into casual sex. Kindly submit a curriculum vitae.

if a tree falls in the forest while i’m chasing you with an axe do you even care whether or not it makes a sound

Most gamblers play stuff like blackjack or poker or sports betting, but my game of choice is gas station sushi.

imo Intel should use some of the resources at their disposal to make a good computer chip

me *facing a difficult choice*

little snail on my shoulder *reaches up and touches my cheek gently with one eyestalk*

me: hmm

little snail on my other shoulder *oozes slowly toward my neck*

me: Well you’ve both given me a lot to think about

(taps sign)

People often ask me if there's a good reason why I'm sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is

watch out tortellini is in retrograde this month

Heygoogle would be a beautiful name for a boy.

My heart is pure it's the rest of me that's tainted.

the "e" in "email" stands for "evil" next question

the green duolingo owl raising its little wing and saying “let’s review your mistakes”

there isn’t enough time in the known universe to accomplish this task

We must never forget the cultural significance of the Watchmen graphic novel (several memes)

doctor: (looking at scan) ok so the good news is that you’re not pregnant

me: yeah that'd be weird. what's the bad news?

doctor: the watermelon seed you ate at age nine is growing more powerful by the minute

[08h01] good morning sir

[08h02] i won’t be able to come in today, unfortunately

[08h03] my archenemy hit the self-destruct button and ruined my evil lair

[08h05] let me know if anything urgent comes up tho :)

the future is simply so much stupider than I thought it would be

(seeing the president wandering around on the roof while the economy adds 3 jobs per month amid weekly pedophilia revelations) time to sign a billion dollar settlement with this man