card

Saying "sorry" when apologizing:
- cliché
- uninspired
- bourgeois

Saying "Balenciaga" when apologizing:
- volatile
- befuddling
- érotique

This is some of the hardest shit I've seen in my life

The same guy who voiced Tony the Tiger did the song about how bad the Grinch is and that’s not all that interesting except I don’t think a Tiger should have the right to insult the Grinch like that. The Grinch is a higher life form

its shoe beans tuesday

stats page for detroit tigers pitcher Brant Hurter

this is what they called me after i hit all those guys named brant with hammers

(Leading him to the Sphinx) Yeah, it’s like a trivia night

imagine ur having the best sex of ur entire life with the most beautiful woman on earth and she starts going “ahh fuck ahh gawrsh a-hyuck-hyuck i’m gonna blow yaaaaaaa hoo hoo hooeyyyy!!!”

fair enough but have u considered becoming peerless. have u considered becoming unrivaled in all the world

Pilot: *over intercom* Folks, ever wake up with a feeling of dread? Like something bad is going to happen? Idk, probably nothing. Anyway, let’s get this bird in the air

i showed you my obelisk please respond

OMG! TOO CUTE??? ❤️ Scientists taught rats to drive tiny cars and found that even when they didn't give them treats, they would still intentionally get into car crashes for the purpose of sexual gratification

(browsing the menu at the hardware store) your tellin me a needle knew these pliers

nintendo switch 2 box in a bag

netgear router box but instead of a router it is a ziploc bag filled with dirt with the word "PUTO" scrawled on it in permanent marker

preordered my nintendo switch 2 and instead of a switch 2 the box contained a bag of dirt with the word PUTO on it

if you get a stomach bug, you might be excited that you can lose a few pounds quickly. but be wary, that's your body's natural diarrhea weight. once you recover, your body will rebuild its strategic reserve of diarrhea

Manager: Sir! We have a problem! Our line cook just dropped a shoe in the fryer!!

Colonel Sanders, still euphoric from the meatless chicken rollout: LET IT RIDE!!

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey?

guard: [looking away] fine

wife: did something happen?

guard: [tearing up] no

wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

that's enough death of the author, time now for death of the reader

Bunny

Stop using Google Maps and get lost on a road trip like god intended

His greed sickens me

Q: Now do pay attention 007...this may look like an ordinary Pepsi bottle, but you will need to piss in it during your thirteen hours shift in the warehouse, as order fulfillment must take precedence to any bathroom break.

BOND (archly): How refreshing. The taste of a new generation, indeed.

I love Instagram’s discover tab, a great place to learn

temu add for a large inflatable cube with velvet ropes outside it like a club

her: i know a place

me: i hope it's Large Black Inflatable Nightclub 14x14x14ft Inflatable Party Tent Inflatable Night Club Tent For Adults Wedding Birthday Raves Dance Floor Business.

her:

I'm the internet explorer you've all heard so much about.

Washing dishes, Goldfinger's "Superman" comes on

Me: "Hell yeah" [start washing with the rhythm]

Goldfinger: "pickitup pickitup PICKITUUUUUUP"

Me: SCRUB DISH + 360 SCRUB + XFER TO DISHWASHER + SINK SPONGE GRIND + POD DROP + DISHWASHER ACTIVATE (DOOT!) + REVERSE STANK BUTTWIGGLE = 258,600 POINTS

[Barbarian swinging large spiked club down upon my skull]
Me: 😏 Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake