Finn

Actually the only correct answer and I don't know why there's a debate?

To the patent office, STAT!

Only the hardest Gs work in .webp

Life imitates art

wife: i want another kid

me: yeah, fuck brian

He will not take this from is. It was in my life long before he was

This girl I knew in college gave up twizzlers. I'm sure the lord is honored with your sacrifice, Stephanie

Text on Jeopardy! clue screen that reads "THIS WATER-ADJACENT CASINO IS KNOWN FOR ITS EMPLOYEE THEFT ALMOST AS MUCH AS ITS FERAL CATS"

Honored to be on last night’s Jeopardy!

Is your Bizkit limp? Have you tried Fredding your dumplings?

I used to love computer it was my friend. Now I have hate in my heart

INTERVIEWER: can i see your resume

ME: *slides paper across desk*

INTERVIEWER: this is just a note that says “do u like me __yes __no”

ME: *averts eyes* well do u

INTERVIEWER: *bites end of pencil* idk maybe

So close ❤️

Shall I compare thee to a fucking jerk

The next time you enter the café we'll have gathered your friends and family, and someone will lock the door behind you (this is a bit about interventions, if you've never had the pleasure)

"We are not in the practice of knowingly hiring homosexuals." Totally legal, too.

WHAT: Those last two esembles

OCCASION: Granting a third wish or dying in a duel (swords)

IF IT WERE A SCENT: What an anosmic person imagines bergamot to smell like

Why do they do this. Why do they dress themselves this way. You make beautiful clothes. Put them on your body, even if frumpy.

Love all this Final Destination teasing of it. All the precariously placed items, each of them a single piece of the Rube Goldberg machine that will eventually start the biggest celebration on Earth.

Oh no, anything but that...

And if you don't have that friend, then I have some bad news re: your own corporeality :/

Bob & Ted & Carol & Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore

I weep.

And it's no wonder with how hard it is to find a brass Victoria's Secret

The store got Easter stuff out like they're so sick of Christmas that they want to skip to the end

A mouse gave birth in my humane mouse trap and I feel bad about bringing them all outside. At least it's like 70+ degrees today.

another robot highlight for 2025: man wearing humanoid mocap suit kicks himself in the balls

New year, new me (worse)