Dave Cactus

I got the @riversidecasino.bsky.social Peace Prize for being the person who cashed the most paychecks at the cashier cage this year

It's a screenshot of me canceling Spotify Premium, with a note that says: You Support ICE. ICE terrorizes our communities. As a person with morals, I cannot support your service.

Check out my Spotify Wrapped!

My car's digital thermometer readout: 8°F

🥲

Doing the Noid's work.

women have boobs, men should have doods, i have spoken

It's a t-shirt that says dood | boob —————— qooq | poop

I used to have these shirts for sale!

We have a surplus of "Kevin" employee badges. There is a $75 hiring bonus if your name is Kevin.

There comes a time in everyone's life when they realize they have posted their last banger

Oh no.

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

A cartoon puppy with the caption "hehe" underneath.

ME (dressed as the garbage man, with a fake big evil mustache over my real evil mustache): Yes!

signing the waver where they're allowed to use my image however they want and now my face is on all the company toilet paper rolls :/

who decided to call it Secret Santa when Nondisclosure Claus was right there

NFL’s New Overtime Rules - First possession per team - Which comes first: score or possession - If coin flip is heads, elect to kick or receive. Same if tails, once possessions - If a field goal is kicked on first possession, team on field must acquiesce Designed by Jon. Share with your friends if you found this helpful!

I'm the coolest person in this Wal-Mart bathroom

We ignored the first four mambos at our own risk, and now look at us

No one at the rap battle will wait for me to type my prompts

Me: so do you come to this Tastee Freez often?
Chili dog:

The MLB logo

Someone pointed out to me long ago that the MLB logo looks like a bird with its beak open getting ready to bat. I will see it this way forever and ever

Stuffing the turkey with 7-11 hot dogs this year.

Inflatable Thanksgiving decoration. It is a brontosaurus wearing a top hat (not a pilgrim hat) and bow tie. "Happy Thanksgiving" is written on its side. The dinosaur's tail is wrapped around a pumpkin.

I can't find the Bible verse that accounts for this.

This thing I'm mad about isn't real, but imagine if it were. Wouldn't that be terrible

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom... *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your...
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I'll be making spaghetti.

cool ranch (sarcastic)

More like *horn*ucopia, that buckle on your hat is sexy as hell

googling "caught in time loop" and the links are all purple

This is a great question, because a job interview is also an chance for the potential employee to screen out companies that are not worth working for

Every local radio show is called something like "Scooter and The Hog"