Dave Cactus

No, I am a very youthful 47. But the rest is negotiable.

👀

The angriest word in the English language is "representative" spoken to an automated phone menu.

thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

I tried this at @riversidecasino.bsky.social and it worked.

Look, I was fine when everything was going topsy, but I did NOT sign up for turvy

Every Super Bowl ad is for the door in the forest. It’s annoying. “You must walk through the door.” Yeah thanks, I know that already. I dream of the door every night

ME: yeah could i get the impossible burger with cheese.
THE VIZIER WHO'S BEEN ADVISING ME: ahh, an excellent choice sire. an imitation of the genuine article. there are some "friends" of yours to whom it bears a passing similarity
ME: you want anything
VIZIER: [chuckles] what i want is of no import

It's been ages! How have you been?

It me!

🎶 Meet the new boss, same as the old boss

–Bruce Springsteen, after cloning himself

🎶 Yo, yo, yo, yo mama's...
...auto parts (yow)

ME: I can't seem to send emails

IT: It looks like your Outlook is corrupted

ME: Well they just don't appreciate me around here!

I fell asleep while a Jellyroll song was on and now all of my neighbors’ catalytic converters are missing

(at the casino)
Player's club: ma'am you don't have enough points for a $5 free play coupon
Me (sliding over a twenty): how about now?

(Britney Spears voice)
Oops all berries again

One advantage to getting old is that you can smell like pepperoni and people just kind of expect it

There are few things I enjoy more on a cold, wet, wintry day than driving past a line of shivering commuters stuck at a bus stop in the rain, with my radio and my heater both blasting on full.

In fact, that's probably the main reason I became a bus driver in the first place.

*unrolling a banana peel like a condom*

Abbreviations drive me crazy, just call it Wizard of Ounce

Weather map captioned "Tracking the Polar Vortex" which just so happens to look like some big naturals, if you know what I mean. It even has low pressure icons for nipples!

DAD (pounding on the bathroom door): You better not be doing meteorology in there!

An old wagon that says "Red River Cowboy Church"

When I say "take me to church" this is what I mean

Slab.

You cannot name your child “Dennis the Menace” and then be surprised by their behavior

No one:

Me: We’ve got crab legs. SEA GALLEY

A suspicious trash can looking item that says Not a Trash Can! Please!

Me when I get asked about my Halloween costume for the third time today, and I'm not even wearing one, plus it's January

Bandcamp Bans AI Music AI music has become a big problem on streaming services. Remember the Velvet Sundown, the AI-generated psych-rock band from last year with hundreds of thousands of Spotify streams? Remember bands gett...

Bandcamp bans AI music

John Cage, submitting the sheet music for "4'33"" to his publisher: What do you think?

Publisher: No notes.

Rest in peace, Bob.