presentdad🙋🏻‍♂️

the Big Mac pb&j

behold

PB&J stands for Pread, Bread, & Jread

no no i think we’re on the same team

A hand holding a bottle of HINT water. It is bottled water with the "essence" of fruit flavor. This one is pineapple.

This is like the anti-La Croix of beverages. When you want water that someone whispered the name of a fruit over, without those nasty rock licking flavored bubbles

who called em naval officers? i would've gone with "bellybutton cops*

Mr. Clean Paws

My kid is an HONOR STUDENT at HIGH SCHOOL and she will LIVE TO REGRET IT

people are so incredibly dumb, I'm mad that I felt pressured to be smart my entire life

but don't get any dollars in the food please!

THEM: looks like the cat's out of the bag

SCHRÖDINGER: not so fast, bucko

keeping things fresh by making dolphins noises in the boudoir

A tiny little house with two windows on a busy street corner with the word PSYCHIC in large letters on the side and HUT on the front above the door. There is also a phone number: 832-944-2623.

this is where I post from if you even care

it's funny that time travelers probably get jet lag

THE INVENTOR OF BAD NEWS: what if you could be sitting down

now we're talking

pb&j:
Peanut Butter
BREAD
&
Jelly

obviously, the extra bread will be coated on both sides with more pb&j to maintain proper bread:spead ratio

Everything is always about me

a pb&j but with an extra bread in the middle like a big mac

The Devil You Know with Sarah Marshall | CBC Podcasts | CBC Listen In the 1980s and 90s, Satan and his followers were accused of brainwashing children, sacrificing babies, and infiltrating North American society on a massive scale — yet these thousands of alleged Sat...

Listening to Sarah Marshall’s podcast about the Satanic Panic, and thinking of the time I was visiting friends in Wisconsin in the ‘90s, and they said you had to be careful (esp. around Halloween) if you had black dogs or cats because “we have satanic cults in the area”

www.cbc.ca/listen/cbc-p...

A call log showing 8 scam likely calls. Range of 6-15/day

I am prepared to vote for anybody who will stop this

join my roving comedy troupe, vehicular man laughter

eyes popping out and making an awooga sound as i glaze my pan of hot cinnamon rolls

people giving cover by breaking down the acceptable levels of child abuse should be launched into the sun

hey bruh your guitar is gently weeping

don't forget to tare the scale before weighing your options

COWORKER: do anything fun with the family this weekend?

ME: yeah, went to an art museum.

COWORKER: did you take any pictures?

ME: no, we left them on the walls.

had two pieces of pizza and a pint of beer for lunch which means I’m about to engage in the sort of afternoon nap once enshrined in epic poetry