Fury Pesto

True story

I saw a ghost on the beach but I was on the bus so I just mimed "haunt me later" as we drove by

Wait until you see Spider-Man say "Fools!"

Co-worker: My high school friend got married this weekend

Me, a red-pilled alpha male: Heh, I hope he enjoys his cooties

¡Hola, Amiga!

Darth Vader's full name is "Dartholomew Ernest Vader"

He is rizzen'

Thanos is short for Jonathanos

Hoobastank is not only a name for a band but also a name for my cat’s unwashed asshole

@danethy.bsky.social One of the "Dane-isms" that I still use in my day-to-day life is whenever someone says, "Not gonna lie..", I thank them for not lying

Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage

Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage

@chaoticmoon.bsky.social

Friend: You have to release your stress.

Me: I do. In ulcer form.

Paradise!

I was not meant to work, I was meant to run through an aged, decaying mansion lit only by the intermittent flash of lightning outside impossibly tall windows and the candelabrum in my hand, my gossamer nightgown fluttering around me like moths to the flame.

Switch 2 comes out this year 👀

So festive, all the children fighting to lick the bowl when Grandma makes blood sausage.

I thought this was Doc Ock

gentle reminder that when you make jokes about the united health insurance ceo getting killed, your friends who are health insurance ceos will see them. but the united health insurance ceo won’t see them. because he’s dead

When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

Boxhead

I asked my coworker what she does with all the free time she saves by spelling Rebeca with only 1 C and she showed me a sweater she knit me

*passes note to girl*
Do you like me?
*Girl passes note back*
Yes
*passes note back to girl*
Oh yeah? Then name five of my albums

*checking pulse* yep still dumb

"Just saw a chameleon must not have been a very good one haha"

CHAMELEON WALKING BY IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT: Get lost pal I'm on vacation.

Sneezing so bad I cracked open liquid gel cap of Dayquil and drank it like it was a magical fruit from middle earth

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*