[Big Scream]

i am fundamental. sorry i meant im fun and mental

Funniest 19th/20th century Chinese communist leader? Gotta be Lmao Zedong.

Captain Kirk from Star Trek saying "We must warn you that if attacked, a corbomite bomb will detonate, destroying our attacker" second panel is Balok's decoy on the viewscreen saying "heyheyheyyy c'maahn I'm a little guy, I'm just a little guyy, noo, it's also my birthday, I'm a little birthday boyy”

Holy fuck that insane

Yeah, I'm a bit of a sports guy.
(I got most of my internal organs from a surfer named Geoff)

“I toured the bridges of Milwaukee and all I got was every bone in my body shattered to dust as I hit the water’s surface at terminal velocity” t-shirts

Me: *cowering under covers* I see bread people
Baker: Get the fuck out of my kitchen.

King: Who fell off the wall?
Guard: Humpty Dumpty, Sire.
King: Who?
Guard: The egg guy.
King: The egg guy?
Guard: Yes, my liege.
King: I don't have nearly enough mercury poisoning for this shit.

Gingerbread man: i'm just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Next year's winner of the hot dog eating contest will be crowned the Glizzy Goliath before being fed into an industrial extruder

God what have you done
You're a pink pony burl
And you dance in the scrub
Oh mama I'm just craving sun
On the range in my feels
It's where I am felled down at the

Everybody was Kung Fu fighting? Really? You're telling me our 70 year old plumber Burt was dishing out wheel kicks? Good for him.

I can easily win any pool game with the secret technique passed down to me by Minnesota Fats: injecting the other player with deadly neurotoxins.

Me: *Borat voice* My knife!
Guy next to me at the blacksmith convention: Haha this guy's funny

Fish guys will be like "yeah that's the 10th Giant Pacific Grunch I've caught today, damn things are 800 pounds of fat and 6 ounces of edible meat but damn they're tasty with some slaw"

Jigsaw: Wanna play a game?
Me: No but here's a riddle! Why are there no Australian optometrists? Because everyone there has goodeyes, mate!
Jigsaw: *hurls self into wood chipper*

*gets a bunch of cat hair in the eye of the storm*

bro bro bro your boat

is floating down the stream bro i tried to tell you

I'm thicker than a Snicker? Have you seen a Snicker? They're like an inch wide at most. What the fuck are you even talking about?

You gotta get your oil changed? What are you a robot? Lmao get a load of the Tin Man over here. Oh your car, yeah me too

Never let the shrieks of anguish keep you from expressing your true blasphemous self

I've lost a lot of friends since I started emitting a low hum that makes people go insane and rip of their own faces but I gotta be me.

[impatiently tapping my watch labeled HOURS UNTIL BLOOD PURGE]

Debaucherous? But I've never even been bauchered!

[At a diner]
Me: What's today's special?
Waitress: Fresh korn muffins
Me: Rrrradadarrrrra
Waitress: Rrrrrrrrrapapapada

TIDDY IS
WHAT TIDDY DOES

*smug again* "My stupidity will never be defeated!" *falls in a toilet*

this snake selling apples
by the magic tree is really speaking my language

Third time this month I've journeyed deep within the ancient forest, seeking enlightenment beneath a pristine waterfall, only to awaken within my hibernation capsule, the distant stars and moted nebulae my only companions.

[ I finally work up the courage to talk to the beautiful woman at the bar when a tiny dog on a skateboard executes a perfect kickflip over me, crushing my ego and balls in one devastatingly sick moment ]