[Big Scream]

Me: I like to think I thread the needle between catharsis and catatonic.

Her: Last night you wore a loin cloth to the dump and lost a fight with a rusted out Dodge minivan.

Don't threaten me with a good time.
Please only threaten with bad times.

My old flame contacted me to tell me she followed her burning passion and became an arsonist.

Her: Come here often?
Me: Not since they bought black lights, no.

Kicked out of the casino after ruining 3 pairs of pants by playing my version of craps.

"How endeering!" I laugh, antlers ripping through my scalp, my fingers sloughing away revealing the hard black hooves beneath.

[having 'the talk' with my teenage son] don't EVER call me bro

Me: *counting my chickens before they hatch* Hehe I'm definitely gonna have so many chickens!

got fired from my job as a restaurant host because I was telling customers "park your flesh heap right over here" as I seated them

for a henchman, there’s nothing better after a long day of guarding a small chest than standing with your back to a field of waving grass just tall enough to hide a crouching human being

I bet Big Mouth Billy Bass gives crazy head

Exactly!

I would download the absolute fuck out of a car.

I have a very specific brand of humor (bad)

Me: I'm a ranch guy
Date: That's cool i prefer bleu cheese
Me: *imagining hundreds of cattle trampling me to death* What the fuck is blue cheese?

Speedrunning the last arrest of their lives (cardiac)

Me: *being torn limb from limb by a bare* "Haha dude where are your fucken clothes???"
Bare: "Fuuuck off stop staring lol!!!"

[Staring at the full moon and turning into several confused raccoons]

Gums bleeding when you stare at the moon for more than 3 hours? Tough shit. My record is 5 hours but then all my teeth fell out.

A life-hack is that most living things really hate being hacked.

Endorphins are so last season. Now it's all about exorphins trapped endlessly in a gravity well around my body, only settling to absorb through my skin if i shriek long enough

Fucken lmao

An app icon of a printer/scanner combo and the app name "brother iPrint&Scan"

So Hulk Hogan, why are you a great candidate for the Administrative Assistant position?

Hulk Hogan:

The chicken is raw? Heh. I see you're familiar with my speedrun strat.

People are always selling dewormer, but what if I'm looking to score some high quality wormer? Papa needs his worms!!!

Bad news team, they've decided to focus the destructive power of the Earth's sun into a single annhilative point directly onto my large tender ass.

Me: I’d like to solve the puzzle

Pat Sajak: Go ahead

Me: I didn’t say I could

[Flirting at bar]
Me: Hey angel face, what're you doing after this?
Thousand Eyed Seraphim: Heralding the apocalypse 🫦

I don't even have time to use egg whites in my cocktails why the fuck do they think I'm gonna use them to shave my junk??

Friend: I found your doppelganger

*shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*