Bob Cobb

Dear Diary,
Today was a gassy day...

Random thought:

I bet 'Do not touch' is a scary thing to read in Braille.

"We built this city"

"The whole city? That's impressive"

"We built this city on Rock and Roll"

"Rock yes, but Roll? That doesn't sound safe. Did you consult a structural engineer?"

Just heard scampering noises between floors and I'm thrilled and terrified. What will it be? Will it fall through the ceiling into my lap? Will we be best friends or will I get rabies?

“Pssst, it’s 2 AM, thought I’d let you know.” - Bladder

“Good, you’re awake! Let’s process petty shit right now.” - Brain

“I’ve missed you.” - Insomnia

YouTube video by Beth Simmons Alabama Fan Hates Tennessee - Hilarious, funny interview

youtu.be/s7G7loR2VVw?...

“hey little girl is your daddy home?” bruce springsteen asks me

i don’t answer because that’s a fucken weird thing to say to a 41yo woman eating corn on the cob over the sink

the best human on the planet can't compete with a halfway decent dog. would you pick up the best human's shit for them? the defense rests.

Truf

You fucking piece of shit.
-me talking to a spoon I dropped

[flirting with bald chicks]

Does the portico match the dome?

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna taco.

Ernest Goes To Town (on that ass)

[taking down one of the 99 bottles of beer I keep on the wall to pass around] “just one tiny sip, everyone. it’s warm, but we have to share.”

can’t find a good cup holder for my pogo stick

Dress code for public restroom: No Shoes No Shirt No Shit

More guns than people…

Is it freedom or a national death cult that keeps growing?

Drunk guy: hey what's the name of that Jody Foster song cut down a tree and made a bunch of toothpicks or something

wave your hand in front of the paper towel dispenser except it gives you pasta

Me telling my grandkids what it was like to have the polio vaccine grandpa simpson telling bart and lisa (both in polio iron lungs) what it was like having the polio vaccine

Dear God,
Why is there pee after I finish peeing?

Signed,
My pants

The Game Of Thrones theme plays as the camera pans to me trying to fight off a seagull with a baguette

DMV Worker: Stop staring at your phone while I take your driver's license photo

Guy: But this is how I look when I drive

I haven't been this stoned since I was dating Medusa.

During pregnancy my Mom just took Tylenol PM, so I’m only autistic at night.

I have a plethora of varieties of intoxicants and a 12 pack of ice cream sandwiches. I will not be leaving the house tonight.

Oh.
I thought you wanted me to put your phone in the dishwasher.
My bad.

Food idea: Worcestershire soup

Putting buckles on all my hats to get a head start on Thanksgiving preparations.