Eternal Samnation

A bear sits on an electrical line connected to a telephone pole.

Cohen looks down at the notepad, closes his eyes, conjures up the image. He shakes his head. Picking up his pencil, he scratches out a word. “No,” he thinks, “definitely 𝘣𝘪𝘳𝘥.”

Sign reads “Large Print Audio Books” over book store shelf. Inset picture of Garrett Morris from Saturday Night Live cupping his hands and appearing to yell.

A cheetah behind the shoulder of a prone wildlife photographer.

"Pssst."
"Shhh!"
"Whatcha doing?"
"Waiting."
"For what?"
"A cheetah."
"I hear those are beautiful."
"They sure are, fast too, now hush."
"Can I wait with you?"
"Only if you're quiet."

A woven, colorful fringed rug lies on a sidewalk.

genies think they can just park anywhere they goddamn want to

A sign attached to a window reads "PLEASE DO NOT PLAY WITH THE BLINDS" with a swimming pool in the background.

what's worse is that they don't even know they're being excluded

Five raccoons sit on corner bench seating around a table.

one of us either needs to take grandma to the optometrist or tell her no more cats

A fuzzy white kitten rests its front paws on an arm holding a pen hovering over a list.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

A reptile in a chef’s hat appears to prep food at a kitchen counter.

“Spring rolls are up! Tell Darlene to move her ass.”

A kid lies on his back in the aisle of a Costco, pressing a toilet plunger to their face.

“Children are the world's most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

- John F. Kennedy

Welcome to the suburbs. There are more realtors than people

If you’re looking for a girl who loves animals and nature and will belittle you until your spirit is broken, look no further

Imagine falling in love with me and then finding out I organize my shopping list to match the layout of the grocery store

the impact of a dad joke can be measured on a sighsmograph

Coagulation sounds quite cozy.

*tosses your word salad*

Listen. Life is short. Take the vacation. Eat the dessert. Dress like an elderly British woman to defy custody laws and see your kids. Get the guacamole yes I know it’s extra. Be extra.

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

I thought I saw a severed foot under a car in the liquor store parking lot, but someone was attached to it. Life is disappointing.

Walmart cashier: Sorry, we don't carry that candy anymore because of the dyes.
Customer: just these 4 guns and 8 boxes of rounds, then.

well, if this site ends up like X, I’m going back to communicating with people via carrier pigeons

BREAKING: Comedians Compete For Bonesaw Signed By Jared Kushner at Riyadh Festival

Don’t want to fuck up bird migration.
No outside lights for me tonight. Only inner light. I just ate a lightbulb

Another way to understand wood grain is to pet a cat

Soon all the cranberry bogs will be harvested and the world will once again share in our bounty of bitter, bitter fruit

Me: I have bad spatial awareness

Other astronaut:

Welcome to our company website. Here's a picture of us smiling and laughing in one of our collaboration confabs. If it just looks like a business meeting and not six pals in a trendy coffee house just enjoying each other's company, our web designer has fucked up again.

An itch in the ear canal in the 19th century must have maddening. No car keys.

[googling whether he died] oh god damnit

did you guys know that just 2 marijuana joints can contain more concentrated THC than one

Acceptable Thing To Do With CPR Dummy: learn how to save a life

Unacceptable Thing To Do With CPR Dummy: learn how to create a life