Bart

if you find yourself arguing with yourself from something you said five days ago you’re my kind of people

Friend: I found your doppelganger

*shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*

You wearing a short skirt and long jacket?

Finally got around to watching Pete Hegseth's lecture on warrior ethos, and I've seen less performative machismo from The Village People than from this limp dicked loser. Secretary of War? *violent jerkoff motion*

If cats don’t want to be held like babies then why baby sized

Dr: You need to quit drinking
me: like on weekends
Dr: No, everyday
me: weekdays
Dr: Everyday
me: what days
Dr: Every
me: please be more specific

DATE: So it says on your profile that you're a contractor.

ME: I'm.

HER: Check please!

Water: I am the source of all life

Also Water: I WILL RUIN YOUR HOUSE

Those are apple trees?

Did I miss pumpkin spice rapture season?

It takes me 9 seconds to write a text and 17 minutes to find the right emoji to add to it

Me: I can taste and smell letters.

Her: You have synesthesia?

Me: No, I’m eating alphabet soup.

She don't lie
She don't lie
She don't lie

Tylenol 🎶

Allow me to recklessly speculate

Thinking of learning sign language in case I get trapped inside the claw machine again.

Sorry, World. We’re embarrassed too.

The Big Chill. Dazed and Confused. Almonds Famous…

I held on loosely but I let go I guess I clung too tightly
and I lost control the end

“everything in the fridge” marinara

That sounds amazing! I can’t go.

- people with kids

Your yogurt to granola ratio is seriously damaging this relationship

Instead of killing “narcoterrorists” in international waters, what if we consider why the demand for drugs in the U.S. is so high? Maybe people need education and healthcare and jobs and stuff?

I'm writing poem about pumpkins:

Pumpkins are orange

Goddammit

I moved an icon on my phone so if you don't hear from me for a bit it's cause I just need some time

Might need to pull a George Costanza and take a nap under my desk.

That feeling you get when you take the first bite of a pizza. That's doughpamine.

I’m always losing things like my car keys and that lovin’ feelin’.

Bluesky don’t be a piece of shit app where you ban people speaking up. Don’t be like fucking X.

be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a silent battle you know nothing about (I myself am fighting an army of ninjas)

Don’t just go along for the ride, bring snacks.