Kiwwian

Things I've learned while being unemployed for the last 12 hours

1. I'm insane

Thank God

Pls do

osha won’t let you stand on the top step of ladders because they don’t want you to reach the stars

It's a close race, but it does just slightly beat the hot sauce that almost killed me

Can confirm, one of the best things Chris has ever made me

It's the best food I've had in years high-key

More of an issue than I initially anticipated

when i was in the womb my mom would kink the umbilical chord like a hose until i was about to starve and then she would let it go and i would get blasted with a tidal wave of nutrients that was almost too much for my small body to handle

It was exactly who you'd expect (Jeff)

mmmmm cake

I approve of these meeting socks

them: don’t you hate it wh…
me, interrupting: yes

Your honour, would it please the court if I shit my pants? Because I did, so fingers crossed.

I mean fair

Hindenberg: Choose the right material for the job.

Girlables
Lunchables for Her (sinister)
Glamables (there is glitter in the Capri sun)

It's a really good movie to watch with the sound off while your mom is on Valium asking you questions about it in a brightly lit hospital room.

Acceptable

Hey what the fuck? On my birthday??????

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sorry your wife is mid, but i don’t really see how that qualifies her to help anyone through childbirth

I'm doxxing you

Making everyone in the office listen to this today 👏👏👏

Dale griblle saying " You don't know me, I am unknowable"

I'd pay for you to tape that

Nice

Have you considered doing a little dance about it?

For like the 100th time "Loosest Sluts in the County" was a typo. Grow up.