max fine

After two years, I redownloaded the dating apps. On my third swipe, I saw my ex-girlfriend. I’ll give this a shot again in 2027.

Doctor said I have high falutin

wtf is the point of a sleeping cap?

8 years ago, I did a show somewhere in rural Georgia and very quickly blacked out due to my raging alcoholism. I don’t remember much, but I do remember coming to in this bar, where I was the only person under 50. I did not have sex and had to take a very expensive car to Atlanta

Hey team, serious question here.

How do I tell a girl I like her without buying her a house?

One single ‘u’ could alter the phrase “come to daddy/mommy” forever

This is the realest me

I am absolutely going to lose a weekend at a comedy club to the Coldplay CEO

We haven’t even considered the repercussions for The Tonight Dough

Uncle Kracker Barrel

I don’t have a lot of fans, but the ones that I do have are all sweaty 15 year old boys that live in flyover states

A lot of comics suck dick, but a lot are also bad at comedy.

I’d pay a lot of money to forget what cashews look like in the wild

Hey dude, just a heads up- there is a flood maybe

If Dunkin’ Donuts can run specials for both the Red Sox and the Yankees, republicans should be able to not take away my Medicaid

I may be bad at comedy, but I am amazing at finding different apps that will let me split a big purchase into smaller ones with insane interest rates, leaving me in clinical debt.

It’ll be so funny when Trump sieges New York City and all the tanks get a bill for congestion pricing

4 day work week and everyone gets an Adderall prescription.

Boom.

If I don’t see Phish tonight, I am going to make it everybody’s problem

This probably won't surprise you, but I am not the only person in this terminal taking a $30 Spirit flight to Columbus to see Phish

Schindler’s List walked so Epstein’s List could fall

Goddammit. Woke up with three pet snakes and a new wife. I gotta stop drinking bleach on Saturdays.

If you’re one of those comics that helped elect Trump, I feel like you should only be bringing openers that are about to lose their healthcare. Specifically me, the person typing this who is about to lose their healthcare.

It's crazy how many Christian comics love being the devil's advocate.

Me, on Cribs:

“What’s up. Welcome to my crib. The only piece of furniture is a cracked coffee table but let me introduce you to my bong, Joon Ho- hey, don’t touch that faucet. The devil lives in there. Alright, let’s check out the masturbatorium”

I am so tired of pooping our little pebble sized turds. Give me the big stuff!!!

Happy Mother’s Day to all the teachers I accidentally called “mom” when I was a kid

If I met me when I was just starting to do standup, I would have told myself “you are really fucking annoying”