Hoofie Girl

I know I'm prettier when I smile. I just don't give a fuck.

Please know that if I really like you slash have a crush on you, there's a 99% chance I also hate you and think you make poor choices and say stupid things

Sucked is better than skipped

Works for productivity and also dicks

I thought my ex-husband was nonstop jorking but it turns out that's what snores sound like through the guest room wall

At least everything that feels like a caving in wants to be there. I studied the myth of Atlas, trained with arches and rollbars, all I think about is starting up a casual rubble conversation for a one collapse stand

I do this thing called Whimsical Fridays where I put an autoresponder on my email and pretend like I am not sitting right there reading them and very able to respond immediately

Me, five minutes after leaving the house: I have made a terrible mistake and must return to my nest immediately.

Question marks just interrupt the flow like oh your curiosity is a whirlpool? Well then I shall satisfy it in some opposite direction so my encyclopedias don't capsize

We can find replacements for lots of things, but there’s no substitute for love

Sure. Why wouldn't it.

Claire Danes should win the first and last Emmy for Best Holding Back Tears Chin Quiver

Oh poor Patton Oswalt got himself banned for a minute? What a dang shame, bless his heart, all that shit that I don't actually mean

some people need to ask themselves “is it really this important to be so fucking wrong”

When one of you deactivates I imagine you being taken off stage with one of those big canes

My guy you are fully room illiterate

Picture of a Glow Worm toy with the text caption: Are you scared of the dark? You scared, bitch??

Parents in the 80s

I do believe in love, I always will

In a parallel universe I'm living everything the same after the cross-universe lawsuit about keeping backup files

horse covered in hay. only the horse’s head is seen out of the hay

sorry i’m not taking any visitors

obligated might be the dirtiest word in the english language

I would like to collect printouts of your dong pics in a crisp manila folder

Love how absolutely no one gets the full story on what's happening with me, like piece it together amateur detectives

Gonna start calling Erika Kirk by her alter ego Ashley Furniture the way she's trying to lure JD into her cushions

as i've gotten older, i know when i should not operate heavy machinery, and don't need a warning. also, i am heavy machinery

*holds your hand through your crash out

I hope for good things for all people except you, upon whom I wish an unscratchable itch deep in your bhole

me: *posting and cracking myself up*
you: *reading my posts and getting increasingly concerned*

I'm going to fuck you up!

-me to my sandwich

How many books with cannibalism as a central theme have you read this year? I have read five.

Thinking of hiring an Etsy witch based on all their excellent successes recently