Hoofie Girl

skill issue logging in

Your chances of being Bret Easton Ellis are low but never less than zero

Ew gross you got some of your male gaze on me

I don't know how much stock to put into these bubbling predictions of Bluesky's demise, but I did notice a couple of new starter packs created this weekend that didn't include me, so there ARE some signs

I hope you’re violently ambushed by stability and tenderly mauled by good news this weekend.

My grandma's old black rotary phone with a long black microwave handle as the receiver

The handle came off the microwave so we're playing an old timey game of expecting a long distance call

Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world,... I feel like I can't take it. And my heart is just going to cave in.

A hot priest willing to disregard his vows and a long weekend could fix me

Love getting blocked for this post. Sorry about my thighs, okay?

I may be healthy as a horse, but I am fit as a fifty year old slice of bread and my thighs are a whole pudding casserole.

Wanna fuck?

One month postpartum and I need to nair my moustache before my baby starts thinking I’m daddy

Using the Scooby Doo model, scientists were able to run all the way to the edge of the universe by being chased over an unchanging background until they finally saw through the illusion and just tore the mask off of everything we know

women should be weirder and more off putting

“In 2007 a married couple in Bosnia started cheating online […] with each other

“If u like piña coladas…”

me, singing: AM I SEXUAL

my 4 buddies, wearily: yeaahh

a cooling rack chock full of homemade pretzels of various shapes. they’re golden brown and covered in flaky salt

🎶 TAKE A LOOK AT MY PRETZELS

Growling coming from your rolltop desk just because it looked like a mouth who wanted to open and that was the power of suggestionary over stationary. These autocorrects, they just don't call to you

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Maybe you are paying for the cow's specialised pasteurization knowledge, you stupid fuck.

Putting some dumb dude in air jail and watching his legs kick and dangle

My vagina could cure insomnia but men should stay awake and think about what they’ve done.

It's weird to be too old to date men in their 30s when I still feel about as emotionally mature as a 35yo man.

The puppeteer's union has rejected my slogan "We Need More Hand Jobs!"

If you’re tired of me here imagine me texting you all day

Her clients or coworkers I guess? I don't speak Serbian except Ćao! which is the only word she has taught me

One of my coworkers speaks Serbian all day in a low voice and it's more soothing than a warm hoodie and a mug of hot chocolate

Texting Mom "exactly how much Tylenol did you take tho"

The world: imploding, fighting, spiraling.

Me: here’s a nice picture of my cat, you’re welcome.

I sold a painting holy shit 😭

Do young adults know that I give not one shit if you call me cringe or think I am cringe or physically cringe when I speak? No one cares about your opinion, Jayden/Kaiden/Jacob/Emma, your frontal lobe isn't even formed

You're right. I am a horse of a different color