rover suede

trying to not pursue the thought that Duke of Earl rhymes with, and is the same number of syllables as Jesse's Girl so i could probably rework each song's lyrics to fit the other song.... wish i had / jesse's girl / wish wish / jesse's girl.... no one can hurt my duchess like that / i'm Duke of Earl

a good name for a really beat up car would be the USS Denterprise

there should be a razzies equivalent to the nobel prize

not saying watching alien:earth makes you a pedophile but if you ever need to chat up a pedophile you should talk to them about alien:earth

i lost all respect for allison williams when i heard an ad for her podcast

I'd make such a cute ceo like hey my consumers you're all dirt literal dirt i spit on you i crave your downfall your safety and well being mean nothing to me how dare you defy me how dare you impede a woman from becoming an iron fisted tyrant how dare you speak to me peasants you are nothing

who called it Good Boy and not rin tin tinamarink

Women have the craziest last names

the genie was aladdin’s father

never heard of him

(guy who secretly loves carrots but would never admit it) I hate carrots!

Dude if the Democratic Party has a place for anti-trans and anti-abortion candidates then I’m not a democrat and I won’t vote for one

I don’t know what to tell you man, there’s already a political party who believes these things

It’s not a “big tent” to have zero fixed values in pursuit of power

i know it smell crazy in there

(revving up the chainsaw and screaming up to heaven) I ain't goin' back!

The worst part about having a stroke is that you have no way of knowing if your toast is burning

Can I touch your arm really quick? I feel like I will dissolve it . I think I will act like an acid on you

what’s funny is that trump himself will also hate this

I saw a couple raccoons last night

Stephen Miller holding the phone to trump’s ear so mike lindell and giuliani can say their goodbyes

If I found animal crackers in my soup I wouldn't be singing I would be screaming because I would be the victim of the worst crime imaginable: soup crime.

If my mom tried to give birth to me now I would put her through a table but I was too small to defend myself back then

naming my child sirben after my favorite actor sirben kingsley

Sign showing portraits of Deli Manager and Assistant Manager. The manager has a nameplate under his portrait that says Barry. There is no nameplate under the assistant manager’s portrait

Barry and The Nameless One

Tall Milk: it's good for your long bones

Something we can hopefully all agree on:

dan bongino and kash patel lying unconscious on the ground after bonking their heads together as they both bent down to examine what is later determined to be their own footprints

looking at someone’s ai art is like hearing them describe a dream they had (derogatory)

the Marvel Cinematic Unabomber

and your friends are all aboard?

RFK Jr. spits out a mouthful of asbestos and takes a swig from his sewage bottle.

"I can already see children getting healthier," he gurgles, a bone from a roadkill bat lodged in his larynx. "The spike in measles deaths is a sign their mitochondrial vitality is spiking."

His left ear drops off.

are you letting your haters be your waiters as you sit down at the table of success? or are you waiting on who you're hating on at the 24-hour diner of suffering? food for thought