Haiku Octopus

a wet t-shirt contest but with gasoline

Okay, I got rid of that bathwater like you asked, but promise me you won't be angry about something

a sunburnt cactus
shelters under canopy
timid arms stretching

I didn't tell you how much it cost me to drive to the healing place to make you feel bad, I told you so you would know it was real and tangible. Also I'm extra healed because no one there can fix a flat tire.

Was in the ground too long and feels like an over clipped wing to be out of it but if you really need someone on the surface, just a friendly, filthy, unaccustomed beak to light around with I guess I could do the one about how potatoes think graves are how birds must live

When I was your age, we had to turn a crank to start the internet

A Hellboy sequel where he finally grows up to be Hellman so he can take over the family mayonnaise business

If, by razzle dazzle, you mean changing my socks, this relationship just might work.

Oh no, the dozen or so people that see my posts have healthy boundaries and logged off social media to sleep or watch a nice film or have dinner or something.

The hat man is bald

when a bunch of bros get angry I like to ask what the fellas are all in a tizzy about and let me tell you that does not help

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It's been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid's party?

if you find a medicine that works for you, you can call yourself New and Improved

Bet I’d be pretty good at ovulating

Tattoos are just adult stickers

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my life and realise it's fucking boring, man.

I thought I was going with the ebb and flow but it turned out I was circling the drain in an inflatable flamingo

if I was a spice girl I’d be sketchy spice

Speed dating is where you have to tell Keanu reeves a little about yourself or this bus will explode

the card says moobs

I do not flirt. I express appreciation. Flirting implies the hope of reciprocity. I’m just screaming “nice sweater” into the void.

alcohol is never the answer unless the question is “why is grant like this”

I don’t need friends
I’m pretty entertained by my own thoughts

Inventor of gloves: I’ve created a garment that can keep your hands warm and dry in all conditions without limiting range of motion!

Inventor of mittens: [super drunk] BUUUUUUUUURRRRRP

ME: It's a show about an oversharing private detective

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Magnum TMI

HIM: Get out

I feel like it's very easy to identify me as a cool mom by my COOL MOMS CLUB tshirt

I feel like my life would be better if i would've paid more attention to those pro tip tweets 15 years ago