Jay

no one can find me in here

--me from inside my giant puffer coat

Dog unemployment has reached 98%

I was born with a silver spork in my mouth.

When I have food my dog looks at me the way rom com men look at women while soft indie music plays

wacky inflatable arm guys took my job

i enjoyed the giggles, but could have done without the shits

just wanted to let you know babe, you've got some drops of jupiter in your hair. nope other side.

I like to watch the Olympics and suggest methods for athletic improvement between bites of queso.

they should make a salad that’s pizza

I don’t need flowers, I’d rather have cheese.

I’m tired but if anyone’s starting an angry mob I could muster the energy

(pouring jack daniels into personalized champagne flutes) let’s make this animal house an animal home

little know fact, Mozart was short for Mozzarella Art

I give the people what they want*

*violent eye rolling

My printer: I know you’ve only printed two documents but I’m out of ink

“Thank you for your payment” go to hell

curling but with each country’s most popular house cleaning music

Will I understand this Super Bowl if I haven’t seen the first fifty-nine

american cheese is just like regular cheese but it owns a gun

I miss old school TMNT. They looked like teenagers (I mean, I guess. They're turtles). They look old as fuck in the remakes the past 30 years.

putting a rotisserie chicken on each hand and boxing people at costco

'Play on playa'

- The inventor of beach volleyball

“I’ll Oxford your comma, baby,” is how English majors turn on other English majors.

*takes my glasses off*

I’m tired of seeing shit

*flirting* No, baby, you're depressed

Trying to determine if my system will tolerate a 3rd nap today

if i was the jolly green giant i would pick fist fights with people just to tell them, "ya know what's great for that? frozen peas."

I wonder if that picture of Carmen Electra I started downloading in 1997 is complete.

I like it when men are a little afraid of me. You don’t need to be but I like it that you are.