Alison the Read

I’m not “eating like crap,” I’m fattening myself up so that when civilization falls I have extra insulation for nuclear winter.

daughter: look daddy, I made you this picture!

me: aw honey, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this

It's always in the last place you look, unless you're one of those idiots who keeps looking after you find things.

I’m using Taco Bell Fire Sauce and being really brave about it.

My words aren’t going to help anyone…so, the latter?

women want me (because i know a lot of shark facts) men fear me (because i know more shark facts than them)

*doing stand-up*

okay but like…if you guys could see the stuff I say when no one’s watching me…like I promise I’m actually super funny. I’m like so quirky and rand-

*dodges tomato*

Having a bad day? Close your eyes and imagine a raccoon having dinner with a family of opossums. "Pass the gravy" one might say. "These rolls are delicious" is heard from another. "I've never seen this amount of mashed potatoes in all my life" comes from the kid's table. Now breathe. Better?

Dang it. I need to find a club for people who love quizzes. All questions asked.

I’m legitimately very tired of the algorithms of disabled and chronically ill people being completely “cure alls” and expensive supplements/devices with little to no scientific evidence. It kills me because it’s so tempting. I want to believe in them, but I’ve been a sucker too many times.

We're making all your websites shitty and evil. What are you gonna do, log off and spend time with your family

“You age so well! What’s your secret?”

I’ve got big eyes and no discernible cheek-bones. Also I act like a child.

Four years since my son wrote the best opening to a mystery novel ever written.

A black cat stares off into the distance, his little man cheeks fluffed and full.

he has no idea what is going on and i’m so proud of him for it

Hi! It seems like people are all here, but the lack of DM rooms is rough.

Social media is the best place to dispute indisputable facts.

ME: I didn't choose the thug life

THEM: you're eating soup in a cardigan at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning

ME: I could not have been more clear

Hear me out. What if it’s both?

I feel dirty every time I read “skeet.”

Detective: We need to make a chalk outline of the body.

Me: *with chalk*

I. The head
A. The face
1. Eyes
2. Nose
3. Mouth
a. Teeth

This feels like the old good Twitter that we lost *single tear falls*

This is like a frat guy who didn’t study for a test at all but still wants an A.

I blew my nose so hard yesterday that I couldn’t hear out of one ear and got like super dizzy, but otherwise I’m doing great.

CASHIER: Ma’am…

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

But really, weren’t they all Jeffs to someone once upon a time?

[first date]

THEM: So what is your sense of humor like?

ME: *slurps wine* Excellent query! My sense of humor is akin to that of an adolescent male child from the late 1900s.

dating:
- hard work
- emotionally draining
- people say stupid things sometimes

having a cool rock:
- low maintenance
- emotionally fulfilling
- rocks don't talk or if they do it's in a language we don't understand

I’m at your funeral and I just CANNOT stop talking